Saturday, December 31, 2005

i am SO exhausted daunted excited

phew, im back in london. nice to be home.

funny, i went away determined to get into good routines and enjoy hoome cooked food. i ended up ill for the last 5 days and not eating anything. thus, the first time i actually feel hungry, is NOW. when im back in london and away from home cooked food and nice things. DOH.

tomorrow is a new year. i don't make resolutions anymore though as i walked over the bridge across the railway line to get back to my house i decided and i also then realised that this term is going to be VERY different from last term. This year, different from the last.

I always find new years day exciting and i find it daunting becuase i look back to the new years day the year before and think of all the things that happened in the days, weeks, months that followed that i could never anticipated. good things and bad things. And so, I know that, on the brink of another new year the same is true. i just don't have a clue what could happen. that's exciting and it's daunting.

Sometimes i am overwhelmed at the dichotomy of the huge uncertainity of life alongside the knowledge that my Father is working for my good. It's a really strange, yet comforting feeling.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

a new blogger...

A big welcome to mr. Jon Caplin (aka 'Designer Boy') to the world of blogging. It's an online visual display of some of his illustrations...if you scroll to the second page you may see a face you recognise...!

more thoughts behind the train piece...

"You and me and all of the people
nothing to do
nothing to lose
and its you and me and all of the people
and i don't know why
but i can't take my eyes off of you."

Wednesday, December 28, 2005


so im back...i kinda meant to stay away til new years day but i got sick and have spent the last 3 days creating a bum shaped crater in the sofa and my bed and im bored. Christmas did a huge belly flop on boxing day. and ive been pretty much wiped out, delirious and emptying my stomach. nice. the last time i felt this bad was when i ended up in an ambulance feeling a little brighter this avo and feel justify to be here as ive done evrything else to pass the time and this is the last resort.

but my eyes are fuzzy and my head is hurting so im gonna have to duck out again.

christas day was good. some of my family from colombia were here. i havent seen them for 18months since i was there so was awesome to catch up. photos at some point.

anyway im supposed to be by the seaside with my granparents and aunt, uncle, their 2 kids and 2 other cousins. and im gutted cos im not. damn it, i really wanted to see them and ive been needing devon therapy all term.

urgh really gonna have to go...everythings swimming...

Friday, December 23, 2005

hasta luego

before the clock strikes midnight and im turned into a mouse (no wait I already am one-a different analogy.argh)...

a merry christmas to all and to all a goodnight!

see you in the new year


Thursday, December 22, 2005

King Kong



I cried...all the way through the Empire State building scenes...

Thing is, despite all the unrealism the film was produced to evoke through various devises (unrealistic acting (broadway-esque), unrealistic storyline, unrelaistic characters (MASSIVE stereotyping etc) and unrealistic creatures) it does of course speak of massive realism. In fact, the unrealism acts to emphasise the realism. The realism of the way the West at the time treated 'foreigners' and 'natives,' constructing as the 'other' anyone that was vaguely different and the whole disguting history of colonialism and orientalism.

And today, we still do it. We make spectacles out of things that should never be made spectacles of and we exploit. We're much more subtle, much more politically correct but we do it. And often only for a pair of trainers.

As I walked out of the cinema (kinda angry at my culture and heritage!!) I saw a little girl bawling her eyes out. Literally bawling, and being comforted by her Dad. What a crazy film.

to blog or not to blog...oh welll...

So I'm still deciding on the blog quitting thing...see addiction is a bad thing, a very bad thing. I get jitters when i can't check blogs for 24 hours. sometimes 12. patches would be a very good idea, they have small micro chips that periodically project blog postings in small doses onto your retina? Anyway...

meanwhile, today i finished my christmas shopping and had a costa frescato with my mum - score. Tescos at Christmas is like rush hour on the road. There are aisle and over taking trolley rules that most people subconsciously the main aisle has priority and if you are coming out of a side aisle you have to wait until the trolley has passed. Some people don't stick to the rules and that's just plain WRONG. we need supermarket police.

I got a lovely card from one of the girls in the CU committee today. Really encouraging and affirming. I'm always wavering on a fine line between self-denegration and getting a big head!! Recognising that everything i do well is good by God's grace...

going to see king kong with my ma,pa and bro's the first time weve been together to the cinema since the lion king. not sure what it is about animal films...

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

bloggidy bloggidy blog

oh, and im going to kick my blogging blogging ADDICTION...yes sir i am.

tis the season for cold turkey after all


the term has ended, hoorah, and i am back in aylesbury for a few days for christmas, then down to devon to visit my granparents and cousins

here's the plan stan.... (who is 'stan'?)

the last month or so I've kind of got undisciplined (possibly for the first time in my life!). It's felt kinda good and I actually quite needed it after a crazy couple of months but it's beginning to not be great. Not eating proper cooked meals, not hanging out with my friends enough-prefering to sit on my backside and watch TV with my housemates and call it spending time with my friends, not really doing much work...

I realised more today when i went to my home church prayer meeting and saw someone who had emailed me about 2 months ago about speaking at an evangelistic event at the church next term and I TOTALLY forgot to email back. And when I saw a couple of people who'd written to me and I hadn't replied. oops...

so it's not major but lack of discipline is a very slippery slope right into a pile of horse poo that you can never stand up and shake off...soon i'll be a hermit...ok I'm exaggerating. i really am exaggerating. what's a month?!

so, anyway, im looking forward to putting a bit of routine and a bit of home cooking into my life again. doing some work and spending time with friends and family.

It's nice too to breathe fresh air and run through fields like...erm, heidi...yeah, anyway.

It's good to be away from london and seriously think about what's on the agenda for the CU for next term. And to think about the committee and some new strategies etc etc etc...hmmmm...

It's good to have space to read and think and hang out with God.

No, it's not a 'new leaf' a 'resolution' those things are dum in my opinion cos they don't work and i usually end up hanging to those rather than grace. i like to think of myself as being...hmmm...YES that's IT...on a journey...aaaah, what a beautiful analogy...why has noone used that metaphor before? I'm a GENIUS.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

on the trains...the journey continues.... reference to the peice below, today i had a 'hefty' journey back to Aylesbury for christmas. Hefty becuas I was carrying too much and cos it was hassle-ful...being a girl I packed too many clothes-always a dilemma...what to take, what to leave. In moments like this it would be SO much easier to be a boy!

Then there are the books, the christmas presents, the shoes, the laptop, the camera...By the time it was all done I was very glad of the extra kickboxing muscle ive gained this term. Though still not enough for the load..."pack horse" took on a WHOLE new meaning...anyhoo..

By the time I got to Marylebone I was WRECKED. I got on a packed, rush hour train that only had 2 carriages. There was a seat left which i took. However, I had to manoevre all my bags into the overhead compartments. and they were like lifting a small adult onto a shelf. Not easy. Surrounding me were, being rush hour..lots and lots of suited, fully grown MEN. I smiled at a couple apologetically for taking my time and disturbing them. But did they offer to help? Haha. no. Eventually, I asked a guy to help me get my backpack over the heads of 5 other people into the shelf.

I sat down, hot, sweaty and somewhat disgruntled at these fat, balding middle age men who had never been taught gentlemanly skills. I thought bad thoughts about their unhappy christmasses and how i would NEVER marry a man like that. Then, I looked at each of the 5 men squashed in on me and none had a wedding ring. I instantly felt very bad for having such bad thoughts and actually started to feel kind of sorry for them!

To make matters worse, the guy sat opposite me, who's knees were touching mine, when he sat down I made some joke about it being like Christmas dinner-elbows touching, no space etc. And he spent the rest of the hour sneaking side glances at me and trying to catch my eye and smile...At one point i licked my lips cos id got froth on them from my coffee...he half nervous giggled. Mate, I was NOT trying to be seductive. ARGH.

So yeah, stupid trains at Christmas time... Though it would have made a great photo. from a birds eye view. 5 guys, all dressed in black suits with laptops on their knees and reading newspapers and one girl in a bright red skirt with an ipod and a media studies book balanced ontop an orange spotty purse, all jammed in together on 6 facing chairs. would have looked AWESOME

So come on guys, doesnt matter if you're on a train and worried about looking like a social retard becuase you're not conforming to the rule which says 'read your paper and be a grumpy arse'...just do it...break some rules and make someone's day! Maybe start singing some carols...i dare ya.

a reminder of this...

Ok, so a while back I posted this picture and Pod also liked it so put it, along with the explanation on his site ( on the train I was reminded of this work for the reason coming soon...

I'm working on a series of work called 'me, and the train, and everybody i don't know.' It's comprised of 4 prints taken with a mobile camera. Here's one of them...

It's an idea that's been growing for a while. London provides lots of train travelling opportunities and through all different situations. But there's always that feeling that somehow, whether it's 2 in the morning or rush hour the trains are still full of people that you don't know. And there's times when you're glad no ones looking, everyone's in their own bubble down on the tube. I’ve cried and I’ve fallen over on the tube and no ones batted an eyelid.

Then there's the fact that trains are just funny for the vast amount of different kinds of people you see. The stereotypes and the anomalies. It's all really a journey of thought into the post-modern city and how that makes you feel and it's communication.

The fact the photos are taken with a camera phone is particularly significant-again referring to communication. How we're able to be in touch with people quicker, cheaper and further away than ever before but yet we can still sit on a packed train and know nobody. It's a commentary on our times and our relationships.

last night after coming off the phone at some crazy hour, instead of going to bed like sensible people, i started taking photos of our christmas tree! i like this one.

doctors and things...

urgh, i've spent too much time in hospital this year...though at least this term hasn't involved any trips to casualty-hoorah.

Following up on the wonderful casualty expereinces and a term of weirdness Dr.s now want me to have an endoscopy (tube with a camera on the end that i have to swallow...)...ew, yuck...

oh yeah, and it seems my diet coke addiction is gonna have to be kicked.*sigh* And the fact I eat at random times of the day and in random ways is apparently not the best of ideas aswell...doctors are funny cos they tell you to do things that are almost impossible as if they're common sense...;) doctor in friend, Umesh.

Monday, December 19, 2005

looking through some pics i found this one i took of my housemate sam DJing at our housewarming party back in october...methinks its kinda cool

you and me and all of the people

SO Ive been thinking about intimacy in the last few days. intimacy, of the friendship kind...

i thought about it when i prayed with little miss eric last week and had lunch with her and realised we've totally driften through this term and hung out way too little and been involved way too little in each others 'hoorahs' and 'grrs'..(eric and i at Bill and Victorias party on sat)

and how, this is true for many of my friends this term. We've not really been the best of friends to each other. kinda wrapped up in our own selfish lives. This is gonna change.

I thought about it yesterday when Adrian Jervis and i were chatting at church about our characters and I said something about mine. Soemthing that I'm not particularly fond of, but not the end of the world and he said he hadn't seen it, but Esther, his wife, had. It felt kind of uncomfortable that someone could see that about me. and nice i guess that we could be that honest about it. I thought about it through all the various christmas shinanigans last week and how generous my friends are...ipod, silk slippers, beatles cd, jewellery, purse, etc etc and when my housemates left for their various christmases how i long that they would know the greatest generosity of all

i thought about it last week when i thought i would be losing a best pal becuase of the complications of love. And how you can be totally known inside and out by someone-they can know your weakness and your strengths, been there when you've been at your worst and at your best and still think you're amazing and love you conpltely. That's the most freeing of friendships and fortuntely, the bond of this kind of friendship SEEMS to be stronger than a broken heart and awkwardness.

Which, most importantly links into this... I thought about it today when I bumped into Hilary in Lewisham. She doesnt come to CU much as shes involved with a fusion cell but she rocks. And we chat from time to time. She told me the biggest thing God was challenging her about was intimacy with him. That we rush around DOING but dont spend enough time just BEING with God. Stopping and spending time with him. And when we do that we find things work out through that anyway. so so true. i know ive struggled so much to protect that intimacy with Him this term.

ANd, man, above all, I need THAT kind of intimacy the most. To climb up in His lap and let my heavenly father sing over me...

So intimacy...with my friends and my heavenly father.

my sister and her husband (guy sitting next to her-not the good looking one with big muscles...hmmm wonder who HE is?! hehe) are spending christmas in the Bahamas, on board the Logos 2. It's alright for some. I realise they havent had much of a mention on my blog. oops... So Happy Christmas Kathryn and Steve!! Miss u guys...

Sunday, December 18, 2005

you big bad bird you

im lying in bed listening to the Beatles and nursing a food poisoning hang over...sniff

last night was bill and victoria's (another friend) joint 50th (they both are 25...clever-no?) at a really lovely sardinian restuarant in peckham and there were about 35 people which was very cool and we made a lot of noise and ate lots of food.

I took one look at the menu and 'it' jumped out at me...phesant...i have an instant draw to adventure, the call of the wild is always upon me and if i see the possibility of a new experience...

my phesant arrived. it was mahussive and covered covered covered in thick red wine sauce. i was told by te oh so sweet waitress that i had to eat it with my wsa like putting my hands in blood...oh wait, hang on, there WAS blood. oozing out of the pores of my big fat phesant. uhoh. so i sent it back having already taken a few 'fateful' bites.

when he returned he was great. it felt like living in the days when kings and queens chopped off people's heads, we lived in castles and rode horses with big pointy hats and streamers catching the wind. in the days when it was polite to burp...knawing meat unashamedly...

and i was walking home with Bill i got that sharp stabbing pain that can mean only one oh so effecient 'get rid of the bad bird' system kicking in...had the same when i ate cow intestine (with grass still in it) out in colombia.

anyway...10hrs later and another sleepless night, im kinda fragile and not sure im going to eat phesant again in a hurry...hehe

jeff wall to wall...

jeff wall...(for you P..) is a canadian photographer who has an exhibition showing in the tate modern at the moment. He flies in the face of the conventional idea of photogrpahy of capturing a moment in time, an event of reality. He does this by taking hunderds of different photos of one place/scenario/event and amalogamting them into one image. He raises interesting questions of what is reality? Can we ever take a true image? Can we know truth...ha ha the old chestnut!! This is my favourite. The things with this one is its disappointing that it's not a real event, and i desperately want it to be. It's a really great exhibition check out the work on the tate site:
You can then go through all the rooms onlne and look at different pieces and read the explanations...:)

Saturday, December 17, 2005

running around on no sleep...

last night we had a full house...

sam's boyfriend stayed, loz had her new man stay, Megan's family (mum, dad and brother) were all here and i had a friend stay over cos all the trains were messed up. 6 extra people...craziness.

and i didnt sleep very well. but thats pretty much normal for the mo

today im heading to the tate modern to see some jeff wall photography with ally g and the london art posse. then its bills birthday meal.

aslan and mr tumnus...the perfect combo

"What's done is done. Now none of you speak to Edmund about what is past."

Grace, amazing grace that takes willful little kids and turns them into sons and daughters, warriors, kings and queens.

hoorah for the gospel! "And even death will be turned backwards"

...and i want to marry Mr. Tumnus...he lovely...though I think i would wax the crazy feret thing on his back first

Oo hoo hoo...a very nice friend bought me an ipod nano for christmas which i received today...thank you VERY much. yay

Thursday, December 15, 2005

24 (ish) hours of christmas...

I feel so christmassy...on tuesday night was the CU christmas bash...we went ice skating in the outdoor christmas rink in greenwich which was tres tres romantic and such a laugh!! Then we went to a chinese restaurant and ate food and I'd bought crackers for everyone which was fun.
yesterday was christmas day in 11 finland road. One minute I was dreaming, the next minute I had margot in a santa hat jump on my bed and give me a big hug to wake me up. Downstairs, christmas carols were blasting froma stereo! Margot made coffee and nesquik and we ate cake and croissants. kinda cute!Then we got to the serious buisness of opening our stockings which we'd all secretly packed full of presents the night before. It was so christmassy and everyone did really well with the gifts.

In the evening I went to the kickboxing christmas dinner. woobwoo. Do you remember the school days when it was 'non uniform' day and everyone looked really different and there was that element of 'what are they going to think of what I wear in real life?' it was totally like that...hehe...see, normally we see each other in standard, kickboxing trousers with huge nappy like butts (maximum flexibility!) and vest tops/t-shirts that are drenched with sweat. with hair tied up and bright red faces!

It was such a laugh. AND I passed the exam!! woobwoo! Although Lee wouldn't say what colour belt we'd each got...grrr...BUT he said to me that Im a really quick learner and would soon be challenging Jeff (best kicker in the club) with my kicking and be the new star of the club. *giggles bashfully*

We ate SO much food. Kickboxing is finished for the year which is good becuase I have bruises that need to heal, a strinaed groin that needs to get itself back together again and a foot I can't walk hey, i need to get some fat back!!

Some of us went to club sandwich at the Union (main night of the week). We stood in the queue working out which combination would clear the queue... "Matt, do a jumping spin kick - that should just about do it"...and other sad geeky kickboxing jokes!

Club sandwich was AWESOME. There were so many friends there and I spent the night dancing between kickboxing pals, CU pals (who were completely psyched that two of the CU had 'got it on'), housemates, Course mates and radio station pals. I pretty much danced the heels off my new funky boots ;( to tunes eclectically mixed -Hey ya, brown eyed gril, I wish it could be christmas every day...etc.!

I love the way the CU guys, wherever we are talking to their friends about Jesus. I loved having people yell in my ear "HEY BECCI GUESS WHAT? I JUST HAD A REALLY COOL CONVERSATION WITH XXXX ABOUT GOD! HOW COOL IS THAT?!"

Now Im waffling...hehe. Christmas was good. :)

who will speak for me?

two of my housemates had the biggest argument EVER last night. Like full on. It makes me really sad and makes me long and cry for the day they know Jesus.

This term especially has really made me see that life really is (contrary to popular belief!) so much 'calmer' when you know Jesus.

My housemate Loz has recently found a song from china that she had translated into english. She wrote the music to it and has just recorded it. It haunts me every time she sings it and simultaneously fills me with awe as there is this refrain repeated time and time again 'who will speak for me and who will speak for me?' Every time Laurel sings it Im in awe of the One who speaks for me, who says I am part of the family. And it makes me want to run into Laurel's room and tell her that the answer to the question is Jesus. That Jesus will speak for her. If only she'll let Him. If only the 4 of them would let him. sigh.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

a broken heart

at the butt crack of dawn a hand delivered 4 page letter was posted through my door.
sometimes you have to say goodbye to something that's incredibly precious because hanging on to it is destroying someone's heart.

i feel like crap.

lets talk about sex baby...

Well folks...I was on TV a while back on a show called 'Hardeep does...'They interviewed me just off oxford street..he asked me what it would take for me to sleep with him...anyway, after loads of different propositions i explained about my faith...ANYWHO... theyve emailed me...I can't take part as i don't fulfill the not in a relationship let alone engaged!! Anyone else interested? Nathan maybe?! hehe...

Dear Becci,

My name is Laura and I work for a TV Production Company called Tiger Aspect. We are currently making a 10 part TV series for MTV about virginity, sex and relationships and we are looking for people to contribute to the series.

The series is called ‘The Virgin Diaries’ and it will follow the lives of 10 virgins as they battle with the temptation to have sex and the issues that people face in deciding whether or not to have sex. We are specifically looking for a young, funky, Christian couple that are virgins but that will be getting married at some point in the next few months and are waiting until they get married to have sex. The documentary would explore how the couple feels about sex as their wedding night approaches and their opinions on sex, relationships and virginity.

I was hoping that you would pass on my enquiry to the members of your Christian Union (if there are engaged couples in your CU!) to see if there is anyone that might be interested in sharing their opinions on this sensitive subject. If anyone is interested in hearing more about the series they can contact me on this email address or on 020 7544 1914.

Many thanks


Tigeraspect Productions

radio gospel

today i did my biblical evangelism talk over the college radio. a potted/chilled out version and i totally didnt mean to do it. it just kinda popped out. spontaneous gospel telling.It made me excited about Jesus all over again and the real reason for why he came. How awesome it is to be part of his family and to know real grace and real freedom.

im sad but im happy


3 things have made me sad tonight. Like making one of my very best friend's cry and realising it means losing his friendship. And there's jack all I can do about it. I'm sad becuase of another situation that is just, well, i dunno, confusing and I'm scared the fog won't clear. And I'm sad becuase the girl who became a Christian at the beginning of the term is struggling.

and some things have made me happy. Like going ice skating in greenwich with all the CU for Christmas fun, like being on the radio again today and the fact it's christmas eve. we all have stockings...

so far from secret santa i have got beetroot, 3 lollies, a nice smelly thing and a chocolate smelling candle. early tomorrow we will open our proper stockings...

we have christmas decorations everywhere, candles, sweets, crackers etc etc. its like a full on santas grotto. which is nice. it's all nice.

I guess, at the end of today I'm just relieved that God knows what is going on.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

boy says to girl...

"whenever i see you i just feel so much for you. i want to throw my arms around you and really affirm you. let you know how loved you are.

this connection thing...whenever we are close i fall for you all over again."

Monday, December 12, 2005


sometimes i wish that my life was less complicated.
sometimes people laugh at me becuase things end up so damn complicated in my life.

sometimes i love how crazy my life is and all the weirdness that ive been through, sometimes it gets me down and tires me out.

My housemate sam and I were chatting today about life's strange journeys after a house discussion, over indian last night, about mental illness, psychotheraphy et al. I expressed to Sam how I believe that no matter what God is sovereign and has the best for me. But in the small hours when it's just me and the darkness, how much do I ACTUALY believe that?

When the future is uncertain, and it is for everyone, and when at times i feel my heart is most vulnerable, or I'm not sure about the decisions I'm making, where does my confidence lie? When I'm dissappointed and hurt where do I find my security? Who do I align my attitude with?

Do I set my mind after that of Christ Jesus?
Do I run to my Father who alone has my name engrained in the palm of his hand and chose me to be part of his family before the foundation of the world?
Do I trust that no matter what He is Good and He doesn't change?

the 7 things plague...

ok, dave and kath have nominated me to do this so...

Seven Things

1. Get black belt in kickboxing
2. Visit every continent
3. Get married
4. Go on a hot air balloon ride
5. Write a book
6. learn to 'just be'
7. get one of my photos in the national geographic or guardian.

1. live without grace
2. the splits
3. sing harmonies
4. sleep in a car/coach/train/aeroplane. (no wait, thats a lie i slept on the coach coming back from serbia but that was either sleep or die of exhaustion...!)
5. speak another language fluently
6. get through a year without travelling (there's somthing bad about that I know)
7. love well enough

1. yay!
2. man
3. cool
4. oh crap
5. seriously?
6. how ya doing?
7. woo woo!

1. C.S. Lewis - Chronicles of Narnia but particularly 'The Last Battle'
2. Memoris of a Geisha
3. What's so Amazing about Grace?
4. The Time Traveller's wife
5. The Sacred Romance - Curtis and Brent (its what im reading at the mo and im loving it but i dont think itll go down in my fav book history)
6. Photography monographs of robert frank
7. Any of the work of Angela McRobbie (media and sociology theorist)

1. Garden State
2. Eternal Sunshine
3. Stuff by won kar wae.
4. Veronica Guerin
5. Amelie
6. kiddy animnations like Nemo, incredibles
7.I actually find it hard to watch films over and over!

Seven songs I love at the moment.
1. New Slang - The Shins
2. Let it be - Nick Cave
3. Wish I never saw the sunshine - Joni Mitchell
4. all that you have is your soul - Tracy Chapman
5. All I want for Christmas is you -
6. Majesty - Delirious
7. Garden state soundtrack!

1. Rich (
2. Mads (
3. Dan (
4. Rachel (Http://
5. nathan (
6. Phil (
7. alison (


little pieces of me written on a computer and thrown into cyberspace. for everyone else to read, think about and judge. weird.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

ye olde personality test

following the lead of ant ( do this personality test. It's surprisingly accurate...

I find it funny becuase in psychology of comunication this year we've been loking at whetehr there is such a thing as the self that you can know or whether it's all totally constructed...supposedly we're meant to poo-poo the idea that there is any essential not so sure.

anyway, tell me yours and I'll tell you mine...

the 11 finland road girlies....


what an eclectic morning...

we played pass the parcel in church...with 'rock around the Christmas tree' for backing music(there really was a Biblical point!!)

I played my flute this morning with Umesh on the electric guitar and two gospel singers and a kid on the bongos...rock on!

2 girls from CU came which was encouraging. They havent really been to church this term and I was getting worried, so that was cool.

We trapsed round all the rough peckham estates delivering leaflest advertising the carols by candlelight and the carols on the estate and prayed for needy hearts.

Margot has just treated the house to ice cream from the ice cream the middle of december?! yay!!

And now I'm going to get onto the college radio as Loz is on and actually singing some stuff...

just the friendship...

im sad that i keep losing bro's in Jesus' friendship becuase they want more and i don't. it makes me wilt inside when i realise i have to say something because i know what it'll mean. *sigh*

christmas and fighting

this afternoon I bought my brother some cuff links and Loz a purse from the 1930's (score) in Greenwich. There were people playing Christmas carols and the aroma of mulled wine filling the eaves of the sheltered Greenwich market. Which was a glow with insense, candles and Christmas shoppers. I've begun to feel Christmassy.

tonight, ive been at a boring party. it was only fun because the captain of the kickboxing club was there so we chatted about kickboxing for over an hour and started sparring. in a party. Im frightened I'm getting very boring. and very weird.

once again its ridiculously late and im getting up ridiculously early as im playing flute in church.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

beepbeepbeep beeeep beeeep beepbeepbeep

I can't believe it's 430am and I am still awake whilst being so utterly exhausted. More, to the point, what am I doing on the computer at 430am?!

oh well. Sometimes when I can't sleep I go through the last few texts that I've received just to make sure I've replied to everything I should have done, to delete old ones and smile at nice ones.

Texts are weird things. So impersonal becuase you don't use proper sentances, or even, words. They're impersonal therefore becuase you can't get across what you mean, tone of voice or body language. At least with an email you have limitless amounts of space to make yourself really clear. Many a time have text messages been misunderstood.

Yet, at the same time, they're profoundly personal. They reach a person just where they are, immediately. And they mean we're more frequently in contact with each other than we ever were before they came about. At times too I've been able to express things to people in text messages I may not have been able to otherwise.

Reading through old text messages is funny becuase of the situations, relationships etc that they possess. so here's the first 5 in my inbox from the last couple of days:

1. "Fanx Becci and amen to that. Ur doin a great job as well, so lets all be encouraged and keep focused on the one they call AWESOME! God bless have a wkd day"

2. "Its 6 in the morning and i just got in. bin talkin wiv a girl bout god. she hasnt bin to cu yet. weve agreed2 meet up evry week 4 a bible study!"

3. "Amen what an awesome God we serve, know and love. The God of heaven&earth who choses2live in us. Lets tell the world.

4. "Woah what a nite. Well done4 all your hard work. Man be encouraged. Would u like2go see the jeff wall at tate mod (itll be free with me)& i can show u some manet if u want. Let us know buddy.

5. ""Hey becci how you doing? I was just praying with aaron for goldsmiths and these vs seem relevant. Hope they are! Rev 2:2-7. God loves us as children before he uses us as workers. praise him and he will give you joy. Lots of love sal x"

Friday, December 09, 2005

have i passed?!

THAT was THE most exhausting two hours of my life...possibly. I've never pushed my body that hard. All the hardest, most exertive exercises and techniques we do we did all in one night.

I got back to the house, laid on the living room floor and cried I was THAT tired!

Craziness. Awesome. I don't find out if I passed until next week but I think I did ok.

At the end we were sparring for about 20 minutes. I was so tired I dropped my guard at one point and got kicked so hard, well...thought, if I can have kids after that it's a miracle. I fought back the tears. Crying whilst kickboxing is NOT hard!!

hehe..I bought beetroot (yes, I do have weird fetishes) and wine to treat myself and, well, Loz and I were going to watch a film...but, there's a house argument going on instead. rock on.

Samantha: "Becci, you're throwing crap at me with your weird kicky stuff."

Thursday, December 08, 2005

kickin butt

on a lighter note, I have spent last night hanging around the house in my kickboxing shoes and the new kickboxing trousers. (exhibit a)

i have also been taking advantage of our massive bathroom mirror to throw my legs and arms around in an attempt to make myself as mean and scary as possible...and I've been eating lots of protein as a last ditch attempt for more two hours i have an exam...or 'grading' as is the technical lanugage. So I can get a belt. Or that's the plan...

i haven't had an exam where my examiner is there with me, and therefore when i mess up, it's doubly mortifying, since my driving test 4 years ago (I shared the gospel with the examiner which...hmmm..well i passed...!) and before that, grade 5 piano and flute exams a good 7 years ago...*trembles*

I am absoutely wetting myself...

real honesty...last time only. to write this? How do I condense a term's worth of thinking into one post and in a way that reflects reality? How do I do this without being utterly self-relfexive when in actual fact I want to somehow explain the wonder of God?

(Check out for details of a deal we made that somehow reflects why I havent written any of this until now.)

I feel cheated this term. I want to do this term all over again. I've missed it, it's bypassed me and I haven't enjoyed it. It's hard to express what's happened but through CU committee issues, Fusion stuff, absolute exhaustion from carrying too much and lack of support, I have been down and tired all term

Time and time again I've found myself longing to be like the apostle Paul. Able to keep going, able to keep perservering and sharing the gospel.

I found myself hurt by certain people but more so by the Devil who uses things to drive God's children to despair.

I'm not going to go into it more.
So there's been 3 major things weighing on my mind:
But I was left with questions about my ability to lead, therefore questions about february, about my worth as a child of God and about why God had not done what I expected him to do.

Don't get me wrong, life didn't stop but I think I've been operating at 50% of Becci.

And I've been hungry and waiting for God to break in. To intervene. To change my heart and show me reality. Waiting. And waiting.

And slowly but surely over the last 2 weeks God has opened my eyes to see things as they really are.

Last Tuesday I came to realise that the expectations I've had of God have bene of my own agenda. I thoroughly believe in having great expectations of God, praying for big things and dreaming big dreams for my college and my nation. But that's where it stops. Then it's God work to do it God's way and in God's timing. I felt I'd failed and I felt somehow God had failed. ARGH. Sometimes I'm so far from the truth it's like I've walked into a parralel universe.

God is sovereign. And God is moving and working in his way.

And this week he's been showing me that. Showing me that he is at work.

On Tuesday at CU I saw a group of young Christians hungry to worship and pray together for their world and for their college. As we sat in the pub afterwards I asked some of them what they had thought of CU (we'd just done informal worship/praying as an end of term thing and no talk) and one of the girls said "it was awesome but I'd like more Bible." I almost cried for joy. A CU that is hungry for God's word and hungry for Him. I hadn't seen it becuase I was so focused on the criticisms from a couple of people and their lack of desire to go deep. Many of the group are regularly meeting with a couple of us to read the Bible and pray. Again, this was not happening this time last year.

It was my dream and ambition that Goldsmiths College CU would be a community of God-lovers who desired to go deep into His word.

And it was my desire that we'd be motivated to reach out to our friends with the good news of Jeusus Christ.

And last night I realised how God had done just this. Tea and Toast was awesome. For 2 reasons.
It was awesome becuase I saw God at work. We had so many great conversations with so many broken people. Who were hungry. We gave away LIFE gospels and at one point there were more people in our room eating toast and chatting than there were on the dance floor upstairs. God used everybody in lots of really exciting ways. And even conversations into today, like with a girl on my course who managed to get the whole gospel in our 15min break! And I long for more.

And it was awesome becuase I saw 15odd CU members (only 3 of us were around last year) desperate to share their faith. This was evident in the fervent prayers beforehand, it was evident as I walked into the kitchen at one point to discover Lyanna and nikki praying and praying and praying over the toast as they spread butter onto it...and it was evident in the personal testimonies that were shared with me afterwards. James who couldn't stand still becuase he hadn't been able to tell anyone about Jesus yet, Tamsin who text me at 6am to say she'd only juts stopped having a conversation with a girl who's really messed up and they're going to read the Bible together (by far the most encouraging (and utterly surprising!)-tamsin is an 18 year old freshers.woobwoo.

I stood there, looked around at what God was doing in the college and in the lives of the CU who, most of whom have said about a month ago they were afraid and now they just want to share Jesus. And I praised God.

And I realised that I've been so caught up in the hurt and grief of what went before that I've failed most of the time to notice what an awesome bunch are in the CU.
And I realised that becuase of what people were like when I took over in February I just expected the same of these guys. How utterly foolish and utterly wrong.

Which brings me, in some ways to February and change over of committee...I shared with a whole bunch of them on tuesday night what committee looks like. I shared the possibilities and the excitment and I emphasised the hard work. And I expressed the fact that I may not be president. It was like someone had told them their granny had died. How could I possibly not be president again? Like the CU would fall apart or something...Man, that was the encouragement I needed. But more than that (before I get a big head) it was profitable to express to them their responsibility not to just be consummers of CU. To take ownership for it. That we all have a part to play.

Most of all God has reminded me of the wonder of him. He's reminded me of grace. I've been reading in Ezekial of the judgement that God brings on the nations for their abominations and deep down it struck me with such clarity that I am, I was just like that. I was that abomination that deserves judgement and yet, for God's mercy alone I have been rescued from the pit and set on a journey heavenbound. I am no worse and I am no better than those nations and no worse or better than my friends. Yet, for whatever reason God has been merciful.

And God is at work. with or without me. He will accomlish what he has set out to do. I am a small mouth piece in that.

I don't know what else to write. I've already written too much and am wondeirng if I am violating any codes of disclosure. But I write in order that God may be praised for saving me, a piece of dust and for working despite my crap. And for what he is doing in Goldsmiths. Becuase he is God and he is awesome.

What was I thinkig?!

yum yum...

But God...2

It's 3am and I have to get up for a 9-2 lecture/seminar thang. But I'm psyched.

Tonight the CU did our 'tea and toast' doobey at the SU...That, with CU on Tuesday night, my own wrestlings in prayer, CU last week and other bits and bobs...God is breaking through into my toddler-dom.

The tide is turning.

It's a 'But God.' God is so good. And man, is He Sovereign.

Will write more tomorrow when I've slept.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

batter my heart

Batter my heart, three personed God; for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine and seek to mend
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn and make me new
I, like an unsurped tower, to another due,
Labor to admit you, but, oh, to no end
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend;
But is captive and proves weak or untrue.

Yet dearly I love you and would be loved fair;
But am betothed into your enemy;
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except that you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except that you ravish me.

-"Batter my Heart" by John Donne

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

listen to my voice

today i read psalm 81 and something really struck me deep in my soul.

God's sadness, God's hurt at His people's rejection

"In distress you called, and I delievered you;
I answered you in the secret place of thunder;
I tested you at the waters of Meribah...
...I am the LORD your God,
who brought you up out of the land of Egypt.
Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it." (v7,10)

God resuces his people, he lifts them up and brings them out of Egypt. In their distress he answered them.

This term I've struggled. Distressed. Feeling in a secret place of thunder. And God is always there, lifting and satisfying. He calls 'Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it.'

The psalmist goes on..."But my people did not listen to my voice..."
And this is a refrain that's repeated. Despite help, despite all that God does at times I act and think like He's done nothing at all. I stop listening, I put my spiritual fingers in my spiritual ears and sing 'la la la la'.

And it makes God sad.

And it's gutting to think that I give God that little respect and awe and adoration. BEcuase he deserves it and I owe him my life. Yet my toddler attitude makes me lie down in the middle of the room and have a tantrum.

And the last verse? It fully socks me one right in the depths.
"But he would feed you with the finest of the wheat,
and with honey from the rock I would satisfy you."

I deserve to have God put his fingers in his ears and sing la la la for despite all he's done that's what I give him. And yet he goes on wanting to satisfy and love and be my father.

Stop looking to other places. Stop walking away and singing la la la. Drink deep and feast.

Little child. You stubborn fool. wipe the tears, give over the anger come back to your father and take of the good things.

Monday, December 05, 2005


happy mondays

i like mondays. I must be a rare breed. Mondays make me happy.

i liked getting up this morning and putting my new boots on. theyd missed me over the weekend.

i liked sitting in my lecture on foucualt (again...) and realising i really need to do some mroe reading.

i liked chatting to some course pals about their weekends and the Wired Radio (college radio station) guys about the broadcast

i liked buying a large coffee and settling in the coffee shop to read some pscyoanalytical stuff about construction of self through media discourses

i liked updating my blog

i liked going to my seminar and talking about all the above and asking lots and lots and lots of questions when i realised that the majoirty of us haven't really understaood the whole of the module..ooops!

i liked meeting up with anne-marie, talking about our weeeknds and doing a study togetehr on God our father. Once again ebing reminded that God is i control and he is good. I need to trust and rely on him so much mroe than I do. We prayed together.

I like sitting here, writing my blog again and realising that this is the second time I've written about monday!!! I really must like it ALOT.

I like the fact that I need to go and do some more reading

I like the fact that its kickboxing tonight which means kicking some serious ass...

YAY for mondays!

mousetrap part3

the mouse is anxious...of disappointment. In many senses of the word.


bib evang waffling

Sometimes things I go to make me react totally differently from how I expect or come away feeling different from how I intend.

Biblical Evangliesm felt so totally different this year from how it did last year and yet by the end of it, what I walked away thinking was what I needed, but in a totally different way.This year I needed to be around passionate people. I needed to listen and learn and have some fun with people I knew. I needed to listen to some passionate teaching on preaching the gospel; to have my soul remember why preaching the gospel faithfully is so so important. And I needed to have the Holy Spirit remind me what I was living for.
(workshop groups)
I learnt never ever to amalogamate 3 sermons into one talk on one passage again. Despite the fact I had no time and thought it was the easiest solution for my talk. It really was a bad idea.

I just really enjoyed hanging out with lots of different people. Old pals and new people. some folk I hadn't seen in a good couple of years, others that are the 'usual' UCCF conference consumers. I had some random conversations and some productive ones. I was probably too negative about things in some conversations, particularly with pals and, in others I just talked a load of boring rubbish. But I received some beautiful nuggets of wisdom and I had a laugh. I had some sad news about a friend and I was encouraged to hear what's going on around the country in other universities.

Most importantly my mind is clearing and the gospel once again is refreshed in me.
And I'm just really grateful for being able to hang out with some really inspiring people this weekend.

Friday, December 02, 2005

"Dreaming about providence and whether mice and men have second tries, maybe we've been living with our eyes half open, maybe we're bent and broken...we were meant to live for so much more, have we lost ourselves..."Meant to Live, Switchfoot

Thursday, December 01, 2005

good day crap day

CU day of prayer and fasting. Lots of God intervention. Reminded me where I stand. Who I am and got me on my knees. Lots of awesome prayers written up on walls and all over the room by CU folk. Nice dinner in a Thai restaurant. Wrote bib evang talk. Hoorah (it sucks but its done)ordered some new kickboxing trousers.

over slept and missed 3 hours of lectures. left wallet at home. left sports gear in a room and spent 2 hours trying to find it. got an essay back-worst mark EVER. had tutorial with essay marker told me he would have given it 85 if the question was slightly different and that it doesnt matter as im going to get a first anyway (he doesnt know me from adam so he can deduce that i don't know) missed aerobics cos of lost sports gear. couldnt get in library cos of left behind wallet and needed to. hit my hand on a table. it's gone green.

Going to be wined and dined tonight in some posh club as one of my housemates (a different one from the last posh outing) did some modelling and this is her payment...maybe today could end like yesterday.