Wednesday, November 30, 2005

this i know...

"You have kept count of my tossings;
Put my tears in a bottle.
Are they not in your book?
Then my enemies will turn back
in the day when I call
In God, whose Word I praise,
in the LORD whose word I praise.
In God I trust; I shall not be afraid,
What can man do to me?"
psalm 56:8-11

You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same
You are amazing God.

that my scattered longings may be gathered together in The Source, who alone can order them.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005



here You Are in the midst of it all.

one amazing bro in Jesus

haha, what a night

i should be in bed but im pumped cos I've just had the best night in ages.

After 2.5 hours of sheer PAIN at kickboxing. I mean PAIN, i toddled home looking like a dork in kickboxing gear AND the new funky boots. It's a good job it's south east London. Noone even bats an eyelid at people who walk around in PJs (oh, hang on, that's me too...on a saturday morning going to the corner shop. DOH)

Bill picked me up in the minibus(he's always driving it for college stuff-rugby et al) and we went to Greenwich...(oh yes, he knows what makes me smile!) We went to a Mexican place and ate TRUCK loads of tapas and nachos and drank red wine. And I poured out my heart and he did the wise Bill thing and said the wise Bill thing. Cos he knows me inside out, my failings, my strengths and can see what's happening in my life. It really helped. Like really helped. And i listened to his stuff too and I hope i helped.

Then we hung out around the Cutty Sark ship, opposite Canaray Wharf's blinking lights and right by the thames lapping up the banks.

I taught him some kickboxing moves and he taught me how to rugby tackle. I scuffed the funky boots doing some outrageous kicks and nearly went flying into the thames mid rugby takcle extravaganza. Then we did some sit ups and press ups. At 11pm by the Thames. Oh yes. We sat on the ground and chatted. We danced to a boat party's 'Bohemian Rhapsody' closing tune then walked through Greenwich.

We spent about half an hour looking at shoes in a shop attributing every CU member to a pair. Ridiculous. This was Bill's chosen pair at the houseparty. He really doesn't have a leg to stand on when it comes to style...;)
Honestly, the thing that I am most grateful for right now is friends like Bill. One awesome brother in Christ.

Monday, November 28, 2005

nathan's roller coaster of emotions blog...phew


i just posted my post and went onto nathan's blog to catch up on his mind.

and what did i find myself on? one hell of an emotional roller coaster, like no blog,or anything for that matter has made me do in ages.

the latest blog made me laugh out loud. in a deathly quiet library
and the one before that made tears come into my eyes.
the whole expereince lasted no more than 5 minutes.

wow. go read it.
i need a stiff drink.


people have been staring at me alot. Why have people been staring at me? Oh ho ho, I know, it's my new very cool boots. Yes that must be it...I hvae decided that I shall not be wearing them to bib evang. they're just too cool and I don't want to be accused again by a Jesus lookey-likey of being too cool. (yes that really DID happen last year)

I went to a lecture and seminar about emotions. funny that. I got my essay plan (the one about faiht and focault) back. My tutor is looking forward to reading the real thing and put some really poor joke in the comments about 'saint' foucault (huh?!)

I met up with Anne-Marie. A small ray of light. She's so fired up for telling her friends about Jesus becuase of the things I've chatted with her about. How can that be? I feel like a fraud.

After phoning (and successfully annyoing i think) a friend in UCCF 3 times I got my bib evang group changed to a passage instead of apologetics. Score. I'm SUCH a cop out.

I watched a film called 'rabbit proof fence' that we started watching in a lecture last week. It made me so angry and sick to my stomach. In Australia in the early 1900s right through to the 70s, the white people were rounding up aboriginy kids to 'train the blackness' out of them and culture them in the ways of the white. In order to rescue them from the danger that they were to themselves. It's a film about 3 girls and their 1,500 mile escapee walk across Australia back home. Based on a true story, it concludes with narrative expressing how once they were home they were rounded up again and taken back. By this time, one of them had 2 daughters of her own. She has never seen her kids since. No such thing as a happy ending in real life. I cried my eyes out. Our world is so screwed

I'm going to go to kickboxing and praying my groin holds out on me (2.5 hours of training on friday paralysed an already strained one)

Bill and I are going for a drink. Maybe I'll brutally force him to be president again. Or maybe I'll just have some fun with a pal. Billbo rocks.


shopping and reality

if the world starts to crumble, the sensible girl goes shopping.

I got some new boots that i needed and then managed to resist some amazing red ones in a vintage shop that i fell in love with. Felt good for that. Resisting them. Well my bank account feels good. I'm still pining.

I also spent £20 on stationary. oh yes. I have an addiction to Muji.

Then I finished it off with mulled wine and tapas with a friend.

It all cheered me up a bit. Hedonism. A beautiful thing.

On more realistic and serious note. I have had a few worried people ask me about my state of mine. I AM OK. I'm just having trouble recovering from a difficult few weeks and difficulty making some decisions. God continues to be God I do believe. And Grace is still extended to me. And all I have to do is run into the throne room. But I would be lying if I pretended everything was hunkey-dory. And anyone who says their life is, isn't living in the real world. And Jesus promised us a rocky road. So that's ok.

Sunday, November 27, 2005


i made a total and utter fool of myself in church today. but that's good. becuase it felt ok to. That's what church is about. Grace.

Hugh, my vicar said in the sermon that christchurch is a place for evildoers and for the broken and if we don't think we're that then we should leave right now. same goes for any church. but we don't believe it.

Thats why I like christchurch. honesty. and i like the fact that we pray together, for each other and cry with each other and laugh with each other. joy and pain.

that's why i like christchurch and why it's ok when what happened this morning happened.

what's compelling me?

what's stopping me jacking it all in? quitting my role as president of the CU, part of the worship team and prayer ministry team at church, never going on any more missions or leading youth stuff, stopping telling people about Jesus?

What's stopping me completely selling my soul to postmodernity, to consummerism, to sleeping around, drugs and alcoholism?

Is it fear that I will lose my best friends who are Christians? Fear that I will be an outcast, 'the one that fell away, so promising, so gifted, yet fell away?' Like Susan in the Chronicles of Narnia?

Or is it the grace of God holding me? Is the love of Christ whispering something in my soul that I just can't walk away from? Holding me, guiding me, compelling me?

Lord Jesus give me strength to make it through somehow. I've never been more 'homesick' than now.

Saturday, November 26, 2005


so tonight i was supposed to go to two parties.

instead i sat in a blanket, watched xfactor, tried to do some reading and tried to work out why on earth i wasn't at the parties. oh and i ate choclate. so i did some press ups and kickboxing practice to compensate.

maybe i might blog soon about something in my head. but i feel judged for my blog. i find it strange that strange people i dont know read it. it's cool wheh theres a visitor but its also weird. and my blogging is becoming something i do for show rather than being what i originally intended. i especially feel self-conscious of it at the moment as im being more introspective and poopy than usual.

ah well. i just need a prince to come and rescue me and whisk me off on his horse to some castle far far far away, where there are no Chrisian Unions, to live happily ever after. Problem is no prince wants someone who is not even vaguely princess-like.

the major question for now is...what happens if i turn up at the biblical evangelsim conference and havent written my talk? do i get sent home or do i just have to sit in the corner with a cap on my head with a 'D' on it?

meanwhile. i should be in bed.

hmmm thanksgiving dinner for 17 people finally 11pm!!

the reason for the season...megs the all american girl...

thanksgiving fun

designer boy and i take an hour and a half to do the washing and drying at the end of the night...!!

max, tom and sammy enjoy the vertibale feast under the beautiful thanksgiving turkey drawings...AND banned blurb front cover...oh yes.

Friday, November 25, 2005

yay for christchurch

Woobwoo my church have entered the 21st century. Check out the site: christchurch big up to Esther J and Steph Ruck for all their work...and please admire the photos too (a joint Becci and Esther project!)

I love my church, it's unique. I have never been to anything like it. not even vaguely.

Morning Light by Rachel Herrera

A friend posted this on their blog. It's such a phenomenal image I had to copy it.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

thanksgiving update

It's 21:43 and well we still havent eaten...

I was designated carver and checker of the cooked-ness of the turkey (apparently I know these things!)...and, as I pulled the stuffing out...well it wasnt the only thing that poured out...BLOOD.

So erm, things are getting a lil stressful downstairs so im TO-ing.

happy turkey day!

happy thanksgiving one and all!!

Isn't it weird that an Enlish person, through and through is celebritng an american alot of the cultural theorists Ive been looking at recently would have ALOT to say about that. Some would shout 'hoorah' others would be very upset. Others would just get very excited about all the theortical analytical things they could do with it.

I don't give a damn. It's thanksgiving. I'm gonna go kill me a turkey...

big shouts oh yeah

Yay...thanks Nathan..big shout out to you (i think we have met or at least seen each oter from across the room), heres what nathan wrote on his blog. its worth reading, not cos he says nice things about me (although *giggles* bashfully) but cos it makes interesting reading...go it ALL

Wrestling With Foucault (2 Shout-Outs)
In this post I'd like to big-up two people. The first is Becci Brown. I came across her blog through Dave Bish's site and it's really really good. Apologies for how wierd this is since we've never been properly introduced but I really respect how she grapples with postmodern theory and her faith (as well as the rest of her life), something that can be very hard to do. My Drama degree was basically 'Postmodernism In Practise' so I can vouch for how tough it can be at times, but how worthwhile. In her blog yesterday, she said this, which really got me thinking:

"What would a conversation between the Apostle Paul and Foucault look like? Apparantly Paul was great at Philosophy, or so Acts tells us. What would he have said? How would he have argued with him? Where would he have started? I reckon Paul would have finally socked him with the gospel, then shook the sand off his feet and walked on."

Good question! How should we respond to the theories of Michel Foucault? I'm sure some of you are thinking, "Who even IS Michel Foucault?!" He was a twentieth century university professor who came up with numerous theories, which now consist a wider philosophy of postmodernism (although that term came later and some of his work could arguably be seen as post-structuralist due it's focus on the implicit meaning of words, etc.). Anyway, Foucault said that we cannot know the author of a text therefore we cannot know exactly what they intended so we must interpret everything. He extends this by saying that all things are texts and so we can (and should) interpret everything as we wish without fear of consequences. He said that attempts to stamp authorship were claims of ownership and therefore negative. He has some very interesting thoughts on knowledge as a will to power.

This obviously affects Christians a lot. In terms of the Bible, he's saying we can't know what it means so we should use it however we want for our own ends. Also on a wider scale he says that even if there was a God, we can't know Him or His thoughts and that nothing in the world has a meaning behind it. Any attempt to give something a meaning is an attempt to control it and other people. Hmmm. Tricky stuff. Now can you see why I applaud Becci for wrestling with this stuff rather than ignoring it?!

I too have an overactive imagination and like to picture this intellectual scrap between Paul and Michel. I can see Foucault doing most of the talking but Paul cutting him down with a few select words. However, Paul was too loving to chop a person down in the same way that he chops arguments. I reckon he'd have gently but firmly addressed Foucault's lifestyle. He lived a life of outrageous excess, being more sexually active and experimental than your average uni professor, having homosexual affairs with many different partners (including other philosophers he vehemently disagreed with), ending up in prison for paedophilia and dying of AIDS. Paul may well have asked, "Are you really free without authority? Can you really live without consequences? Is there really no connection between an author and his work?"

When I first read Foucault, it angered me how he set out to (unsuccessfully) pull the rug out from under Christianity, but now my heart goes out to the guy. He was a product of his own thinking: seriously messed up. God is so loving in the way He gives us guidelines on how to live. They really are for our benefit. Without His authority we self-destruct. Without knowing Him, we are lost. Becci goes on to say:

"Now a showdown between God and Foucault would be very cool to watch. In fact, I guess it's already happened. I doubt Foucault said very much... My imagination serves as a warning to me. One day we will all face God."

It's sobering to think that every one of us will end up in front of our Maker. No clever little arguments will do. When God stands before you, you try explaining that away with talk of epistimes or discourses of power. Reality is undeniable and one day the Author of all things will show that there IS meaning and He IS knowable and it all comes down to how you respond to Jesus; the Author making Himself known.

Which is why my second shout-out goes to Marcus Honeysett. His book 'Meltdown' was like a textbook during my degree! He clearly, sensibly and biblically discusses postmodern theory so that the Christian can know where they stand. I bet it'd be good for a non-Christian who fancies seeing the other side of the fence too. Even if you've never thought about these things before, our culture is saturated by postmodern thinking. Ever heard anyone say, "Well, that's true for you but..."? Then you need this book! At the end of the day, how you respond to Derrida, Baudrillard and Foucault really can affect how you respond to Jesus so use your brains and think it through.

Postmodernism is cool, cutting edge and subversive, but why not try something really revolutionary: the Truth.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005


Whilst trying to get my head round whether experience can be a valid basis for knoweldge I have been thinking and pondering upon some other questions and let my imagiation take me to some places.

What would a conversation between the Apostle Paul and Foucault look like? Apparently Paul was great at Philosophy, or so Acts tells us. What would he have said? How would he have argued with him? Where would he have started? I reckon Paul would have finally socked him with the gospel, then shook the sand off his feet and walked on.

Now, a show down between God and Fouacault would be very cool to watch. In fact, I guess it's already happened. I doubt Foucualt said very much. He would have had that philosopher's mouth eating the dirt. My imagination serves as a warning to me. One day we will all face God. I'm safe, Jesus says so, but how in awe of God am I now? Am I face down?

I've also been questioning the notion of confession recently. Here's an interesting question...when I was a little younger someone in my churhc apologised to one of my friends for all the bad thoughts and feelings he'd been having about him. That blew me away. And for some reason, in recent months, this memory has resurfaced. There have been a few times recently when a couple fo things I ahve said and done, which, the person about whom, would never have known, have so stirred my conscience that I have actively confessed stuff to them. A dear brother in Christ has had this expereince of being a weirdo twice now and it's impressed him. I don't know what it would have done to our friendship though. I did the same thing to a couple of my housemates and they just told me i was a freak. love, friendhsip means we say stuff at times out of frustration that others will never know about and we don't need to tell them, let alone apologise.

I dunno, what do u think? Is this apologising gone one step too far? Or could be considered keeping 'short accounts'...? Maybe it depends on the situation. I think at times it's useful and at times its risky and maybe just self centred. Hmmm..I wonder what the apostle Paul would say if I asked him. I havent had time to check all this out Biblically and no verses spring to mind, otehr than the general, sorting things out with your brother, type verses.

okay, back to the essay.

mice and mountains

Grace bought my scattered longings closer to the source this weekend. Grace which gives me the freedom to hear God's voice say 'come' and to respond knowing im dressed in robes of righteousness. Grace which allows me the freedom to be who I am with God and with others. Grace that i see relfected powerfully in the lives of the chirstians i've encountered in london that i feel able to admit my mistakes, my issues, to cry and accept their ministry and prayers. It's a grace that in the last two years ive been discovering for the first time. I'm being awakened not only to the grace that saves me but the grace that sets me free now. Knowing I live by grace and am part of God's kingdon NOW.

And it's only that grace which draws my scattered longings back to the Source

I sat and cried over my essay today for the first time since i was school and having panics about exams.

What the heck?! It's an essay for goodness sake.

Forget the mousetrap, I feel like one very small mouse who has been told she needs to climb a big big mountain in 3 hours. But it's not actually a mountain at all. It's all in the mouse's mind.

In act of procrastination I went through some old postings. The above is what I wrote on this day last year in reflection of the CU houseparty. And indeed it's what I need to be reminded of right now too...

the reality is...

God is good. All the time. And that doesn't change.

He Reigns.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

the goldsmiths cu massif at houseparty.

preparing to go home with paper from the sauna prayer room. may our prayers be a pleasing aroma.

humph grrr and poo

Humph. I feel really poo. I have a 3000 word essay and presentation to write by thursday so im hiding myself away in my room doing the books everywhere, pretending to work, thing.

But I feel poo. Becuase I've hardly had any sleep since before the weekend and can't function. I'm drinking copius amounts of coffee and diet coke which is making me need to pee and distracts me. And of course I'm faffing around in blogland.

The truth is I feel really down. Just becuase I haven't slept and I feel stressed by how much work i need to do, and that's not including the above. And the more stressed I feel about my work the more stressed I feel about making a decision regarding CU committee next year. And I haven't been well for about 3 weeks now and i know that when i go to the Dr. tomorrow she'll just palm me off with some stupid reason that means the NHS don't have to spend anymore money on me. And all I have in the fridge is some bread, some yoghurt and some lemon curd. I don't even have butter.

And I feel down because Dad is coming to speak at CU tonight and I want to spend some quality time with him but neither of us can afford the time. And I'm just going to want to go back to Aylesbury with him and get some good cooked food and chat to my mum and laugh at my brother.

And Paul Mayo has just got back from a month in thailand and tried to phone me but i didnt pick up becuase i dont have time to chat with him. but i want to.

And I have people chasing my butt over so many different things that need doing and my own butt is chasing my butt but the more i cahse my butt the further the butt gets. and then theres a whole list of buts.

What I really need to do is get some sleep. woe is me.

And I'm depressed becuase I can't get out of whinging syndrome!

BUT it's thanksgiving on Thursday which is always a time of great excitement in this house. woowoo.

happy summer days

i love my grandparents. Got this funny picture from my cousin of when we stayed with them in the summer. i look funny. looking forward to christmas and hanging out with them by the seaside and their new dog. yay.


Sometimes there's people that I just want to reach out to but I can't.To tell them that everythig is goning to be okay. To point to a future that is better and brighter but I have no promises of that.

Sometimes I want to do what I shouldnt and I don't do the things I should.

And when all is said and done the moments when I stand on street corners, or in the corner of a room in college or bent over a table in a cafe and pray spontatenously with a pal, everything seems, for those ten minutes ot make sense and be abundantly simple.

Monday, November 21, 2005

man obbsessions with nice country things

early one morning...

in reflection

(a perfect quiet time spot)
The houseparty presented a perfect opportunity to think through leadership issues. To ask difficult questions of myself and seek God's guidance for the future of Goldsmiths CU and my part in it.


It was good to spend time walking and talking with Millie. Together we thrashed out what's been good about CU and committe this year and what could happen next year. And will that involve us?

I realised how much of my negativity towards carrying on committee is centred around feelings of failure and self doubt at leadership ability. Due to a couple of people's comments throughout the year and how ive allowed the devil to take hold of those and combine with inseccurity. To run and hide from committee responsibilities in february because of this is to give the devil victory.

However, it's a fine line too between how much is also my own laziness and desire to run and hide becuase the last few months have just been so damn hard. And also my desire to do my course to my best. A fine line of accepting sacrifice and the nature of leadership and whether it may in fact be time to hand over.

And I also know I need to surrender more. To give it over to God more. I've been discouraged that I havent seen more fruit, more conversions than what we have. Ive longed and dreamed for God to work and move and questioned why he hasn't. God powerfully reminded me this weekend that I'm trying to do his job. And have ABSOULTELY NO RIGHT TO DO SO. I got down on my knees and confessed my arrogance as he reminded me, all in HIS timing. And he excited me by showing me those guys committing to be an army and committing to the vision that God was laying out before us.

phew, thats a bit heavy. oh well. heres a pretty picture:

Sunday, November 20, 2005

could a houseparty venue be any better than this?!
swimming pool with lights

and a huge juke box with speakers in the pool. a full size snooker table, a sauna...(granted the sauna wasnt working so we used it as a 24/7(3!) prayer power room

walks in the country. beautiful just beautiful

and all for just £15 each.

houseparty 2005 woowoo

pheeww, what a weekend. I'm too tired to function. But CU weekends away rock. And ours certianly did becuase God did the rocking!

The Greatness of God. Did you know that there're over 70 sextillion (thats like billion or million but 7 of them) stars that we know of in the universe. Yet God has called them out by name? (Isaiah 40)

Did you know that theres 136 million square miles of water (i think...) in the earth's oceans yet God holds all the waters in the hollow of his hand?

Greatness demands a response. Awe and wonder. Falling on our knees in worship. And changed lives.

It was hard work pastorally this weekend and I'm so drained, now i need someone to listen to me. But I'm so encouraged by the freshers and what God's doing.

We praised God HARD with 3 guitars, keys and a jambre...and there were only 17 at the weekend! We lifted our voices, we lifted our hands, we fell on our knees. We shouted out praise, we cried, we offered our lives.

We accepted the call to be an army in Goldsmiths. We shouted out our prayers and our heart's cries for Goldsmiths and our friends. I led a seminar on evangelism and we got caught up in the Sacred Romance and became afraid for the destiny of our friends and their need for Jesus. We walked our mind's eyes round Goldsmiths watching the blood of Jesus wash round the coridoors and the cross erected in the courtyard. We proclaimed there was no other name but the name of Jesus. Above every philosophy and every feeble excuse in comparison with Almighty God. And we saw on the backfield the whole of college praising God. And we pleaded that this be so.

We couldn't stop praising God this weekend and now the rubber hits the road. May those new CU members who've for the first time committted to this vision for Goldsmiths, for their part as an ambassador, a warrior be steadfast and unmoved.
May we fix our eyes on the Almighty God.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

brain pain

I have brain pain.

You know brain feeze when you eat an icey thing, usually a slush puppy or in my case coffee frescatos from costa, too quickly? It's like that only it's from thinking and engaging too much. Brain pain. New phrase.

Now I'm told that becuase i have artistic tendencies i am naturally more self-reflexive. I like this explanation because somehow it gives credibility to what I always termed as egotism.

Well today I have been thinking about thinking about thinking and I have brain pain. Thursday's in general do that. 9-2 lectures and seminars, straight through, no break. First lecture 9-11 was on Michel Foucualt and his analysis of truth. I would LIKE to point out at this point that contary to popular believe Michel Foucault does not deny truth. He rather sought to explore what constructed truth discourses, the power structures involved. Of course, if you push that to it's furtherest extreme where you might end up is in the land of no absoultes and THAT my friends is a scary, depressing, brain paining place to be.

Then I contended with a media studies lecture and seminar about globalisation etc and am confirming my own theory more and more that media studies is SO up it's own backside and possibly, just possibly, shallow.

Problem is, usually come 2pm I switch off, go home, do some reading partly switched on then go to aerobics.

Oh no, not today. Today I just kept on thinking.

I thought how the day was cold and extremity freezing off...which led me to thoughts of Belfast days and reminded me of the day Ally and I ran around central Belfast, he with a disposable camera and me with a black and white film in mine to capture sights, patterns, colours, textures, juxtapositions-anything that captured our imagination. and then that got me thinking about why i was remembering that particular memory and that was another train of thought-about the fact ally had been oevr last night and had looked at some fo my photography and we laughed at some old memories. and the fact the weather was very 'belfasty' today.

then I went to sainsburys and thought about all the reasons I was putting certain things into my basket. and what each thing signified.

>1 bag of salad (inflated with loads of preserving chemicals that are bad for me)
>5 cox's apples (that looked like theyd come from a market rather than mass produced with chemicals for a supermarket. refreshing)
>2 boxes of danone activa yoghurts (i am such a passive consumer of the media-i actually believe that these are good for my digestion and undo effects of the salad preservatives)
>1 bag of chocolate snowmen (for my housemates cos it's cold and they get grumpy. I also wonder how effective chocolate evangelism is...reminded me of last years unsuccessful HUGE tin of Quality Street I bought at exam time and got the blame for extra weight everyone put on last year)
>1 bottle of mulled wine (for all stated reasons above. cold. grumpy. digestion. chemicals. uh huh huh)
>hair conditioner, deodrant, toothpaste (inward grumpiness about how i HAVE to buy these things to make me socially acceptable but they're such a waster of money for this reason. But then again, I do want friends.)

Then I walked home listening to a CD about surrendering to God and realised previous posts would never be issues if only I could

I walked past a school with kids in little t-shirts doing PE. I thought about paedophiles having a hay-day. I thought about how the kids are probably doing more damgae wearing next to nothing and exercising in this weather than they would by not doing exercise. I thought about how, if sport was more central to the curriculum kids would perfrom better in academics and we might actually win something in the olympics other than curling. which wasnt even the english.

I walked down the street and thought about amazing leaves, creation, nature and how romantic autumn is. I got lost in some more memories and how many cool things ive seen and done in my tiny little life.

(brain pain also occurs during essay writing and has the temdancy to make one look really rough)

I walked down my street and a couple walked towards me with the sun pokig between their heads and reflecting off their hair in a halo of romance. I thought what a great photo it would take. and that thats all some photos are-lost, never to be taken. some moments you just can't capture.

My cowboy boots were the only noise on the sunlit deserted street yet the echo bouncing off the terraced houses made me turn around expectantly looking for a friend or housemate. I thought about the weirdness of sound and brain expectation.

The post I received made me think about my time in derby as one of the girls i lived with sent me a wedding invite. i thought about how cool it is she's getting married but how crazy when she's only known the guy for 6 months. I thought about how funny my brother is. I thought about how I wish the doctors would stop giving my mum tablets and actually do some proper tests on her head. I though about colombia once again as i recieved news one of my cousins and family from ther are spending christmas with us-hoorah!! I thought about how impersonals and funny UCCF can be but how simultaneously people centred they are too. I though about how therfore indiviudals within a corporation are so different, they make up the organsiation and yet at the same time create it's diversity. diversity and unity. like the trinity, like creation.

i thought about how i needed to stop thinking. it's only just gone 2pm and i have brain pain.

Loz and Sam just found their chocolate im thinking about reward self gratification and pride and feelings of 'aren't i such a great housemate'...

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

uncertain days

I wanna write something but i don't know how to begin, how to middle or how to end.

About uncertain days. About relationships, about mice, about PHDs, about photography, Goldsmiths, ministry, Church Planting and CU. A whole concomitance of craziness that's just so uncertain. Everything I once thought, on it's head. My future and my now.

Which is cool don't get me wrong. It's about time I began to take uncertainty seriously and rely on God. But I just don't know where to begin in my thinking or in my changing, or in my decision making.

Too many decisions to make. Some which can wait, some which can't becuase the decisions I take now will affect those decisions and so I need to carefully make the now decisions. But so many other future things reast on the now decisions. Like one big wheel of affecting-ness. Some which I'm getting crap advice on, some which I'm getting a whole pile of advice on but noone says the same thing and some which the advice is all great and encouraging but it was the same advice as all the times before when id been talking about something completley different. "Yeah, that's GREAT Becci, go for it, you're really gifted/called/great at...XYZ...". And no, It's not becuas I'm great at everything. Good job, or life would be even more uncertain and complicated than it already is.

And it's my own stupid fault it's this complicated anyway. Well, no not strictly true. God has some say in it too...although i wonder how much of that verse 'the good works he has planned in advance for you to do' (ephesians) I've oversteppd those he had planned in advance and done just a few too many...Or maybe Im just incredidly fickle and immature.

Im making no sense.
I'm gonna shut up
i dont even make sense to me
yes, becci that is entirely the problem
and now im talking to myself

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

chasing through the selfish maze
of reckless and uncertain days
our God pursues each heart
what mercy love hath brought
my every hope and fear
is gathered here with Thee

take what is mine
i couldn't change
the smallest part of me
make me holy thine
love so divine
saves every part of me
all of me
all of me

mice and dice

why cant something for once be uncomplicated in my life?

and they lived happily ever after styleee?

Monday, November 14, 2005

BUT the Lord God CALLED to the man and said to him, "where are you?"

Every Monday I meet up with Anne-Marie and have some serious Bible study and giggle time. It's so exciting to see her passion. And encouraging. Today I asked her to prayerfully consider her "involvement" with CU. This is an exciting time. It's our houseparty this weekend and we're on the scout for the new committee...

Aside from that Anne-Marie and are looking at what it means to be a Woman of God. Today we looked at indentity restored - God's salvation plan and our reconciliation into His image. Wow

I'm bowled over once again by grace. I'm blown away by this almighty plan that started before the foundation of the world and this Sacred Romance that God initiated as he wooed us back to himself.

In Genesis when Adam and Eve sinned we read "But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, "Where are you?" And that's it, right there. The story of salvation.
BUT God BUT God.

And not only that but God does the search for the sinner. He wants us. He loves us. He wants us. God goes on the journey to look.

And then he finds and starts transforming...

"And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the spirit." 2 Cor3:17

Forget the stressing, God's at work. The Sacred Romance does the pursuing and the Sacred Romance whispers love songs and does the transforming.

sand sniffing

woah, i woke up this morning with the sun pouring in through my blinds, relfecting through the red vase with the bamboo shoot gracefully balanced inside, creating red patterns over my walls. And the sun on my red silk throw glittered like royalty.

And I came to my senses with the awful reality of just how much ive been burying my head in the sand over an awful lot of things.

I want to start engaging with my project but i still have essays to write, reading to do and a CU to organise! People to meet up with, friends who I'm neglecting and just too much stuff to get my little brain around. Like a little balloon is gonna pop.

And I have a new mentor for me. Which is weird. Weird talking about stuff again that I'm not sure is good to talk about. But praying, sitting on my bed was good cos God was there. And that always rocks.

So yeah, my heads out of the sand and I've a few things to confront...

Can I climb up in your lap?
Jesus sing over me

Saturday, November 12, 2005

procrastination. again.

housemate sam's great advice for finishing my essay as i stand on the sofa,hopping from one leg to the other, eating apricots:

"Go NOW, go NOW, will you stop eating and just go NOW."

And here I am, back on the internet. doh.

not concentrating

It's twenty past 5 and I've been sitting here since midday and I've written maybe 700 words. On Thursday I sat all day and did about the same. I just can't concentrate.

You are on my mind. And that makes me feel weird becuase it's pointless to think. and beside i dont really know you.

Sleeping hasnt been great the last two nights either. But at least my souls no longer clunky.

sitting around writing essays just makes me think too much. humph

Friday, November 11, 2005

random blog scrolling...

check out this blog. the bit about the blind dates. ive never linked like this but this has CREASED me up.

Ever felt like this? I have.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

today i took a test...

I AM ...Pure Nerd

86 % Nerd, 26% Geek, 13% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.

You scored better than half in Nerd, earning you the title of: Pure Nerd.

The times, they are a-changing. It used to be that being exceptionally smart led to being unpopular, which would ultimately lead to picking up all of the traits and tendences associated with the "dork." No-longer. Being smart isn't as socially crippling as it once was, and even more so as you get older: eventually being a Pure Nerd will likely be replaced with the following label: Purely Successful.



Wordsworth on London

Wordsworth on london, standing on westminster bridge:

"Earth has not anything to show more fair
Dull would he be of soul who could pass by
Asight so touching in its majesty:
This city doth, like a garment, wear
The beauty of the morning; silent, bare,
Ships, towers, domes, theatres and temples lie
Open unto the fields, and to the sky;
All bright and glittering in the smokeless air."

becci on her soul

my soul feels really clunky
chunky and slow
blocked and sluggish
like bits a metal gratin
and gogs needin greasin
my soul needs a cleanin
to stop it feelin clunky

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

good start

so i chatted to my personal tutor about said essay title and we talked for an hour and a half. believe it or not, one of the reasons she was excited about having me join goldsmiths was because of my faith and a hope i would engage with some of these theories. Don't get me wrong, i like the fact she likes me and likes spending ages talking to me and says lots and lots of nice things to me BUT im a little unsure about the idea of being her 'experiment' (those weren't her words but ya know. same sentiment!)And yeah, we had an interesting conversation about her faith position. (she got a book in her letter box this afternoon-what a lucky lady.)

still, she says i should carry this essay through the dissertation and onto the lofty heights of PHD, bypassing the way of the masters as I go. And yes become one of the only acredited academics to trumpet the Sacred Romance. Haha.

So, with that in mind a coffee, got some books and went home.

And danced to radio 1 for an hour in the kitchen. then watched TV and made some packages for people.

And two days late I still haven't done much. So much for the 'Academic'. yeah right.

Monday, November 07, 2005

fasten your seatbelts...

I am about to embark on a little experiement. No it's big...

I find myself plunged in the darkness, pitted against the likes of Foucault Rose and Bhabha, with only Kierkegaard as far as I am aware, for companionship.

Essay: "think about your own subjectification and subjectivity and in terms of the issues raised on the course, discuss aspects of your own formation referring to regulatory pracitices, textx, media texts, images and practices etc."

Yes, I am about to deconstruct my faith through an analysis of social construction theory and 'truth' debates. This means plunging into a MASSIVE set of arguments both in critical psyhclogy, sociology and media and culture. I'm doing a howle module week by week lokoing at all the arguments and counter arguments. IT'S MAAHUSIVE! And enagaging with some of the greatest, and most scary deep thinkers of all time.

The time has finally come.

Problem is, are there any credible thinkers out there who engage with faith and whether it's a social construction. who REALLY critically engage with foucault, social constructionist thinkers and those who do away with truth? And who come out on the side of faith? Other than kierkergaard?

Problem is I'm not sure there ever would be and maybe that will be the conclusion of this essay. Maybe I can explain away my faith as a social construction through the eyes of these guys. 'Experience' arguments do not stand either for many reasons I will go into at a later date.

This is the problem and this is the experiment. For I know that the essential core of my faith rests within an essentialist argument. And I cannot prove it. It's about 'a leap of faith' as Kierkegaard writes. And by doing away with this faith we get to, as Kant writes, a d'isenchanted world' where we no longer know magic or wonder. Everything is knowable do-able. Well that's modernity. Now with postmodernity not only do we live in disenchantment where there's no magic but even if, by chance we do discover magic, we can never ever prove it to anyone. Science is an empty method and has no credibility becuase everything is a social process. everything and everyone are completley conditioned by their surroundings.

And yet, from the depths of my heart cries the sacred romance. It's there in the sunrise, it's there in the lily pad and the eye of a tadpole. It's there whispering at times, shouting at others that no matter how much these theoriss want to prove that my faith isnt the truth but rather a conditioning, the sacred romance calls and draws me into it's heart.

The sadness is that I feel I am embarking on something that eventually will make me sadder. That I can never theoretically prove the sacred romance. or can I? Surely the Author of this romance, being bigger than all this can draw a way to exlpain it all. Or maybe not, becuase that requires Magic and Power.

the experiement has two possible outcomes...
1) I discover that it is possible to prove not everything is a social construct and therfore faith doesn't have to be. I take a step up the ladder of proving everything and manage to take a few more knocks out of one of the greatest thinkers of all time. Unlikely.
2) I disocver that no matter what there's always counter arguments to whatever I, and others come up with. Faith can never be explained anyway, even if I can prove not everything is a social construct.

Either way, the Sacred Romance will continue to hold me in it's grasp.
However, this embarkation maybe one that becomes a whole life long project for me. I think I'm either going to saddened by the lack of Christian sociologist who are there, hanging with todays generation of foucault. And maybe I'll become one of those. alternatively, I'm goona be surprised and encouraged at just how much material there is and the fact i don't know of it no is both naivety, arrogance and the enemy's attempt to silence the Sacred Romance. In which case, I'm gonna start trumpeting.

Fasten your seatbelts, this is gonna be on hell of a ride....

this is truth

"Your blood speaks a better claim
Than all the empty claims
I've heard upon this earth

Speaks righteousness for me
And stands in my defense
Jesus, it's your blood."

Sunday, November 06, 2005

success and failure.

totally irrelevent. success and failure. totally and utterly when you're staring in the face of grace.

And it's the old juxtaposition. chosen and set apart for a purpose before the foundation of the world. placed somewhere for a reason, to share the love story with a random stranger or with an old friend and yet totally insignificant.

The sacred romance carries on without you. It's as old as the hills and as beautiful as a sunrise when you've been blind for 20 years. And whether your're there or not it always will be.

But across the hills comes the summons. A call to go, to run to trumpet the story to be part of an army. Not because you're needed but becuase you're wanted. And the story is so much bigger than you but being a part means being a part of it.

And therefore success and failure is totally irrelevent. It's all about grace. The dawning of the story is the dawning of grace that stretches from east to west and encompasses all in it's wake.

That's a story, a sacred romance I want to be part of, I am part of and it just doesn't matter who I am.

cambridge bikes

Cambridge...a classic scene. I took this photo a while ago. I just came across it again and I remembered I quite liked it! :)

Saturday, November 05, 2005

thinking about you. thinking about them

Ive been thinking alot about the last few years and all the places ive been and all the friends ive made and said goodbye too. And all my family in south america and PNG who I hardly ever see.And my sister and husband on a ship travelling round the world. And how relaitonships are just so fleeting at times. And so surface.

And then there's friends where there's this crazy connection that hurts when it's not there and there's little reminders. like dreams and like emails. I got one such email today. I miss belfast and I miss the likes of elizabeth. i kinda feel lonely for those days. and derby days. and colombia. And all the places that I've left behind.

To the Beautiful Becci Brown...

I've been thinking about you- wondering what you're doing, how you're doing, how uni is treating you, what you are beginning to learn from your work this summer...

Your blog sounds like you're going through a 'dark' time, as you said. The pits? Rock bottom? I don't know what people call it. Those times in life when you're wrestling through so much and trying to figure out who you are and where your puzzle piece fits into the big puzzle of life.

As I was reading some of your blogs, I thought to myself, "Yeah, this girl isn't an ordinary girl." I never thought you were. You are so beautiful and solid and there's just something in you that longs to go deeper and let Christ reign in all areas of your life. The way that you display your love for Jesus is admirable, and the passion that comes from that is genuine. I know that I haven't seen you for a while, but I know that He is still doing great things in you, because our God is faithful. I wish that I could bump into you on a busy street in London, run into a coffee shop and sit for hours while you tell me about life. I want to hear about your work with refugees this summer. You must have learned so much! And I want to hear what your housemates are like. And I want you to tell me about your classes and family and what you're learning right now. I wish that could happen. :)

Ths has been a very eventful week for me. Pretty intense- my parents moved over to Germany in September, and my younger sister, who just finished highschool, went over a couple weeks ago to spend the year there with them. On Sunday, I got a message that Hannah had suffered a massive epileptic seizure while on a retreat, and she was unconscious in the neurological ICU in Germany. As I was sitting on this side of the ocean, begging God to spare her, and also sometimes feeling kind of helpless, someone encouraged me to look at Isaiah 41. I wanted to encourage you with that chapter. I was on my way to lead morning prayer on Tuesday morning, and I read it as I was walking there. I was blown away with the reminder that we serve a HOLY and POWERFUL God. He holds you and loves you, Becci, and He will renew you. I encourage you to read the chapter, but read it outloud. It's pretty powerful. A few verses after the one where God states that He will uphold you and strengthen you because HE is your God, says, 'Behold, I have made you a new, sharp threshing sledge with double edges; you will thresh the mountains and pulverize them, and will make the hills like chaff.' I am encouraged by the promise that God will continue to sharpen us. I wanted to encourage you with that.

Hannah is conscious and back at my parent's house. One of my older sisters flew over yesterday to be with her for a few days (her church paid for her to go). God is so gracious, and this has been a big testimony to me of the power of prayer. There were so many people and churches praying for her. And today my oldest sister Sarah (I have 3) started having major contractions and is soon to give birth! So it's been crazy.

But I don't want to ramble right now. I would love to be more in touch, if you have the time. I know that you must be incredibly busy. But know that I really appreciate who you are. Continue to pursue holiness, my friend!
Lots of love,


Thursday, November 03, 2005


Am I here? Do I exist or have i shifted into a parallel universe?

Today, as I slid my Goldsmiths card into the college library access doors it rejected me.

As I tried to get out of the secret gate at college I was also rejected here. Do I exist?

Maybe my card's knackered. Frustrating.

So just now I try to access my college email account through an internet cafe but my user name is not known. WHAT?!

Am I expelled without knowing? Am I the weakest link? Or do I only exist in my imagination, recognised by no other institution?

Help, I'm having an identity crisis