in reflection

(a perfect quiet time spot)
The houseparty presented a perfect opportunity to think through leadership issues. To ask difficult questions of myself and seek God's guidance for the future of Goldsmiths CU and my part in it.

Hmmm...

It was good to spend time walking and talking with Millie. Together we thrashed out what's been good about CU and committe this year and what could happen next year. And will that involve us?

I realised how much of my negativity towards carrying on committee is centred around feelings of failure and self doubt at leadership ability. Due to a couple of people's comments throughout the year and how ive allowed the devil to take hold of those and combine with inseccurity. To run and hide from committee responsibilities in february because of this is to give the devil victory.

However, it's a fine line too between how much is also my own laziness and desire to run and hide becuase the last few months have just been so damn hard. And also my desire to do my course to my best. A fine line of accepting sacrifice and the nature of leadership and whether it may in fact be time to hand over.

And I also know I need to surrender more. To give it over to God more. I've been discouraged that I havent seen more fruit, more conversions than what we have. Ive longed and dreamed for God to work and move and questioned why he hasn't. God powerfully reminded me this weekend that I'm trying to do his job. And have ABSOULTELY NO RIGHT TO DO SO. I got down on my knees and confessed my arrogance as he reminded me, all in HIS timing. And he excited me by showing me those guys committing to be an army and committing to the vision that God was laying out before us.

phew, thats a bit heavy. oh well. heres a pretty picture: