Monday, February 28, 2005

new leaders

I have just spent an inspiring weekend with UCCF and all the new leaders of CU's across London.With teaching on 2 timothy on leadership and grace, superbly led worship, night of prayer for every university, it's difficut not to come away with feelings of awe, encouragement and inspiration. I think mostly, for me, however, being the anniversary of the weekend I left Belfast was a feeling of wonder at God's amazing faithfulness. God is faithful. Incredibly faithful. And the more i dig into the depths that he is, the more try and find his direction on things and his help for every situation, the more faithful i find him and the more incomplete i find myself without him. As new leaders, that's all we can rely on-god's faithfulness. Dreams aren't true dreams unless they're Gods and therefore broken dreams aren't broken at all. Life isn't whole, leadership isn't successful unless it's moulded and formed by Christ; methods, organisation, events are futile and useless unless they're saturated with, first and foremost a heart for people, which is easy to forget in the hectic pace. and unless there is a reliance on God's faithfulness to his promises and his character.


lord i come before your throne of grace
i find rest in your prescence and fulness of joy
in worship and wonder i behold your face
singing what a faithful God have i

what a faithful God have i
what a faitful God
what a faithful God have
Faithful in every way

Lord of mercy you have heard my cry
Through the storm you're the beacon
My song in the night
In the shelter of you wings hear my hearts reply
Singing what a faithful God have I

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

101.4 fm

In the Source is on air...
Ok, so not literally my blogs, becuase that would just be plain embarrassing, but we've borrowed the name...

Every Tuesday between 3-4pm, myself and bill (the vice-pres of CU) have a show on the college radio called 'the Source'. We have discussions with artists, pilosophers and ex-goldsmtihs students about their work, life, faith, whether they think it's posisble/senisble(!) to believe in an ulitmate truth and other christian realted issues.

Tune in, and pray becuase it's a great opportunity for us to share our fiaht with the students of goldsmtihs and further afeild.

101.4 fm


The vocal qualities of people living in south east london goes without mentioning. the arguments, the bartaring, the lude, the crude, the funny, the sweet. it all makes ofr the interesting and cosmopolitan nature of the Lewisham borough. the comments that are made at myself, well I can usually pass those off for flattery. after, all who wouldn't call me wonderful? However, when I am in a tracksuit, puce in the face from half an hour's running, with sweat running down my face, my mouth open to grab as much air as possible., please, please, please don't toot your horn or call me 'sexy' becuase right then I just feel your sarcasm and I know you aren't being complimentary. Better to just keep it inside.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

if you love somebody

'They say if you love somebody you've got to set them free...'

God has the most incredible, impeccable timing. I mean don't get me wrong, having the person who this time last year was head over heels in love for you and were 95% convinced you'd be walking down the aisle in a year or two tell you he's seeing someone else hurts. well it hurts alot. But there's a weird dichotomy that I've never felt so strongly as I did when I put the phone down.

Somehow I knew. Call it prophesy, call it being in tune with God. I don't know. Call it God's awesome grace in his dealings with me in the last few weeks, but I feel at peace and I feel confident, I feel loved and God's timing was impeccable. absouletly impeccable.

There comes a point when you have to let go. totally. and it isn't just a letting go it's a surrendering, a surrendering to the plans of one who cares totally and also a surrendering of memories-good and bad, a surrendering of the hurt and anger, a surrendering of all the hopes and drems that lie in tattered pieces to the one who ultimatley restores and heals. But more than that, showers so much grace and joy and has incredible depths to mine. The more I dig the more I realise how muhc more beautiful he is.

don't get me wrong there are some dark points in this journey but by the strength of the one who gathers all my scattered longings I am stronger, much stronger than I ever thought or imagined I could be.

God works in crazy ways and his timing is impeccable. It's at points like this that I realise when my scattered longings are some what more gathered in the source then they're not only more ordered but there's perspective and hope that rises above circumstances.

Monday, February 14, 2005


so i decided this weekend to broaden my horizons. or rather i broadened them and then decided to do it. not for any particular reason. or maybe becuase this time last year, and the year before, was so crazy and now, moving into the anniversary of those months, of so many things happeneing in and around february and march, i realsie being truly happy, and being in a truly different situation from one i ever ever imagined or wanted to imagine on some parts, i wanted to have fun.

actually that's all crap. there was no thought behind it. i mean there's been those thoughts but those weren't connected to this weekend of horizon broadening...

on friday we had our first committee meeting of the CU which was truly horizon broadening as i reflected on the last few, motivated the committee for the year to come and realised some gifts God has bestowed into my character since taking this role that i neevr knew i had. collectively we broadenied our horizons as we agreed to be a risk taking people within the CU this year. to get out of the boat, to walk on water, to fail extraordinarily, not ebcuase we want to, but beause we will if we start taking big risks, but to be excited for what God will do.

On saturday i did something ive wanted to do for a while. i got my nose pierced. it looks great. i do not look like a slag. just don't tell my dad. i also bought the coolest skirt you ever did see but wearing it yesterday in the windiest day ever i realised that becuase it's wrap around i was showing my backside off to the whole of london. i think their horizons were broadened, even if mine weren't!

On sunday I met up with a really good friend i havent seen in too long. one of those friends you have you live far away and you're alw3ays wishing you live closer. and then we do, and we didn't see each other. we kept trying but it never happened. until yesterday. it was fab. i realised again just why we had been such good friends. i went with her to her church in the evening, St. Helens. I haven't been but its one of those christian holes where you see random people you havent seen in years. like an old school friend. veyr bizzare, ery encouraging. and a friend of mine who i havent seen since i was 17. we were quite close then, ad have been a little in touch, but it was so good to catch up with him, and be reminded of some of the stupid things i did when i was 17. I realised that ive been living in a new cross, peckham hole, which may not have been helping with some of my processes. meeting a whole host of new friends, and old friends was liberating. and i've more or less agreed to go to serbia in the summer to work with refugees.

so today is valentines day. and it's a lovely day. a very different day to last years but i don't care. hoorah to singleness and hoorah to life.

ok so i did get 6 beautiful red roses....but that's another story...thanks dude.

Friday, February 11, 2005

doing business

All has been silent for a while on this wall of thoughts. Not becuase it's been silent in my head but becuase it's been busy. after a couple of weeks of sleeplessness where at times, God and I have been doing business in a very real way. Having some attitudes stripped away, but mostly a process of laying my life down bit by bit at his feet and asking him to soak into me, to fill me and to use me. Sometimes my self-centredness astounds me and my desire to be something I am not confounds me. Over these last two weeks as I move through the early stages of CU presidency and new phases of getting over losing someone I am once again astounded my grace and comforted and lifted up by an incredible God who meets all my needs and fills my brokenness, who gifts me and strengthens me for the task ahead of me and blows me away by just how much i really need him. My heart is changing and there's still a long way to go. But I'm understanding more of what it means to hunger and thirst for righteousness. The more I'm filled the more I hunger and the more I'm quenched the more I thirst.

Monday, February 07, 2005

God gets the last laugh

I've learnt a few things in the last couple of weeks. I've learnt a few things about myself some good, some bad. I've had some of my proudest moments and my most shameful moments. Last tuesday I became CU president and to cut along story short amongst all my enthusiasm, my eagerness to see God move and some coffee sessions with people on committee, where God really used me, the devil decided he wanted to claim some ground and have a little bit of fun. All credit to him, my back was turned, my guard was down; after all my people skills have been top notch this week...and meanwhile the battle raged. And the devil managed ot coerce me onto his side and do a few dirty deeds for him. not that i was aware, but not that i resisted particularly either. and that's just the way failure comes; at points of triumph.

I learnt something about failure this week. It's easy to apologise and ge ton with life. I'ts harder to really address something in my heart. Some area of bleakness and darkness that causes failure. To be real with myself and God. To delve into that blackness, open the door and let some light in. And it's painful becuase that's REALLY admitting failure.

And it's a constant mantra: 'repent of sin, acknowlege temptation, pursue growth.'

But grace blows all fear away. And so it's God that gets the last laugh, God who steals the victory.