Friday, October 06, 2006

a night to remember...

Last night I dreamt my mum was dying of cancer. It was horrific. Made more horrific by the fact that there was nothing unusual in the dream. That's what convinces us throughout a traumatic dream that it's ok. Deep down, even in that sleepy place we know that something doesn't add up with reality, something is odd.

My dream about my mum was so consistent with reality that, try as I might I couldnt find anything as a dreamt that would remind me it was ok, I'd wake up. Right down to my parents' mannerism, the way they spoke to me, the little sweet thing my Dad did for my Mum to cheer her up, my father's way of saying things are ok when I know they're not; that face he wears. And even the way my mum smelt. I could smell her as she gave me a hug.

I woke up absolutely bawling my eyes out. I couldn't stop. I phoned Pod (it was 7am by this point) and he listened, told me it was only a dream. We put the phone down and I started crying again. Like grief was a hamster that had crawled into my heart and died there. I couldn't shift it.

I phoned home:

Dad: "Hello?"
Me: (between sobs) "Can I speak to mum please?"
Dad: "I'll just get her, are you ill?"
Me: "No, I just dreamt she was dying." (start crying again)

Mum: "Hello...I'm fine..."
Me: Crying....

ANYWAY...i had a good catch up with my mum which was nice.

I guess last night made me realise two things. Just how much I love my parents and how blessed I am to have them. Once I'd got over the imaginary, false grief I thanked God for the wonderful Mum and Dad I have.

ok, melodrama over!


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