Monday, January 30, 2006

more than plenty

"little else to say, except you are a great trophy of the grace that Christ has poured into your life.

Grace is more than plenty when there is a surplus and a lack."

(Andy Shudell, commenting on Ally G's blog:

placing it central

"Nevertheless what is shameful, even odious, to the critics of Christ, was in the eyes of his followers most glorious. They had learnt that the servant was not greater than the master, and that for them as for hism suffering WAS glory, and whenever they were 'insulted becuase of the name of Christ,' then 'the spirit of glory' rested uupon them...

...Where faith sees glory, unbelief sees only disgrace. What was foolishness to Greeks, and continues to be to modern intellectuals who trust in their own wisdom, is nevertheless the wisdom of God. And what remains a stumbling block to those who trust in their own unrighteousness, like the Jews of the first century, proves to be the saving power of God.' (Stott, 1986:40)

RAAAAAAAA...God forgive me for being ashamed of the cross and for placing it left of centre and not centre. May I always boast of the death of Christ and nothing else. May it be my only plea and my only battle cry.

Sunday, January 29, 2006


It's funny how all the decisions come at once...and I feel spiritually ripped apart. Simply becuase I need to be. It's that thing about grace again. For a while we can plod again, making do with our understanding of grace and God's hand in our lives. And then we realise...

Someone really close to me said something that cut to the core of everything I haven't understood in the last few weeks, everything I'm not and need to be. And that hurts. But the bruising of this kind is the best kind. It wakes me up to who I really am and who God really is and how far my thinking is from what is reality.

I need to understand grace again, like I've never understood it before. I need to know that it's the beginning and ending of who I am and everything I'm called to be. That it's all I need and anything less is to rob God of his glory and place myself in a position that isn't rightfuly mine.

I need my identity to be bound up solely in not what I do, or accomplish or the leader I may or may not be but in who I am in God's sight. His precious child. Not becuase I merit his favour, becuase I absoutley don't, but becuase he chose to bestow his favour on me. In fact, I am dust. God is great and HE is the centre of all that is and all that will be. All the glory belongs to him.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

you rock my world.

hehe, i got a HUGE bunch of flowers delivered to my door this morning. I am a very happy girl. And very very blessed. :)

say cheese...

Thursday's lecture was the best ever, entitled "Modernity, Sociology and Photography', it examined the emergence of photogrpahy coinciding with modernity and the uses of photography within sociology and, indeed, the sociology of photography. It asked the questions that I think about obssesively; 'does photography create reality or does photography reflect reality?', 'what codes and conventions, what cultural norms do we express when we take a photo?', what are we saying by the things we omit from a photo and what we choose to include?' And we looked at how photography is used by sociologists and by the state.

In photogrpahy practice on Friday we spent all morning 'reading' photographs and again asking the question 'when I take a photograph what am I expressing most to my audience; the object I am photographing, or myself?' We considered how photography is grounded in the memory-we understand the message of a photograph because it expresses truths and ideas that we know and can connect with. Therefore, photography is one of the few arts that does not sit well with postmodernity. It relies too much on knowledge of truth.

My quote of the week is "The camera never tells the truth. In fact, it is so adept at lying it is practically sociopathic.'

Honestly, the phrase 'the camera never lies' is an absoulte load of er, poo. Of course it lies. We select, we choose, we construct and then we take the picture. Indeed, the photo constructs reality. It does not reflect it.

I spent all afternoon in the darkrooms trying to get 1 print of a picture 'just so' and i was finally happy with it. I can'[t help but feel that this is the real art of photography. The manual, film loading camera and the fiddling around for hours in a darkroom...i love it. And my poor super dooper Canon EOS 10D camera is feeling a little hurt right now that I would rather play with chemicals that stick a piece of wire from it into my computer...though im not saying there isn't art in this.

So, where will this lead...who knows!! but it's very very very very (thats enough very's) cool!

Friday, January 27, 2006

conversations with pod 2

Pod: "They used to call me that at school and I used to hit them."

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

today ive been mostly thinking about...

How far behind I am in my work

New leaders Training (im on the organising committee) and how much fun leadership and responsibility can be when you get to make decisions like scrapping games on the friday night for an acoustic night, whether you'll scrap question panel or not...wa haha! and food spending budgets...

Whether I'm going to get a blinding bolt of lightening from God over whether I should be president again for another year and if not, who should be...and indeed what the heck to do about the rest of the committeee...


Guidance and how much i need it right now over CU stuff, my church situation and my future...

today I have been mostly reading things like...

"we live in a post-absolute world, where one person's telos may be another's worst dream. But this too may be nothing to lament. For once we are able to move beyond the tyranny of the absolute, once we are able to live with the fact that perhaps there is no discrete end to human development, at least not of the sort that can command universal assent, we will perhaps have freed ourselves in still another way from that 'metaphysics of prescence', as Derrida (1976) has called it, that serves to obstruct the infinite play of meaning." (Massey in 'rewriting the self')

today I have mostly been eating


today i have been mostly praying for

wisdom for me and those i love.

today i have mostly been



I reckon grace has to be one of the most talked about issues on Christian blogs. And why not? Hoorah for grace. But recently I've been thinking about it alot and how it seems to be the hardest thing to convey to a non-Christian and the hardest thing to express the reality of in my own life.

So take the non-Christian. Last night I got chatting to someone on my course in the student union about the gospel. It was long and exciting but so damn frustrating. The popular misconception of Christianity is always that we're bound by rules ands regulations and that we're so similar to other religions that why can't we all just agree and live together. And it's funny becuase no mater how many ways I explained grace and freedom and the heart of the Christian message he just couldn't grasp that Christianity isn't about constraints.

I guess that's human pride. We have to feel we add something and grace is just too radical, polar opposite to the way our society works. And it's just so hard to grasp.

And then in my own life. I totally understand that grace frees me from guilt to live a life by the power of the spirit and no longer under law. I can stand firm in grace and my old nature is crucified. My struggles with sin and my pursuit of holiness is done under the banner of grace that ensures I am forgiven still. And yet, do I reall know this? How often I slip into endless cycles of guilt and burden for all the things I'm not doing well enough, especially when it comes ot Christian service in the CU or my church. how often I find myself annoyed with myself and despairing of my sin. How often I put 'constraints' on myself and try to work myself to a position of greater holiness and godliness. When actually all I need do is get back to the foot of the cross, plead for forgiveness and ask for a changed heart.

I guess that's human pride. We have to feel we add something and grace is just too radical, polar opposite to the way our society works. And it's just so hard to grasp.

But more than that grace is the one thing the devil wants the non-christian not to grasp becuase it will radically transform their life and grace is the one thing the devil wants the christian not to grasp becuase it will radically transform our lives and make us more effective in gospel ministry and overflowing with joy and peace.

Monday, January 23, 2006

me, the train and everybody I don't know

I was on the underground today, on one of those trains that's stuck becuase of some faulty train ahead. 10 m/h max speed and stops in the dark scary, rat infested tunnels every second minute...It was rush hour. So not only was the train stuck, so was i. Between the armpit of one man and the back of another.

So I decided to get out my cadbury's cream egg that I'd be saving for such a moment as this...How do you eat yours? I bite off the top and lick out the insides with my tongue until i can reach no further. Then I nibble the chocloate down and lick some more. It's a work of taste art. And noone even batted an eyelid...

Next stuck moment later I looked up and saw a man looking at me. (the egg had gone by this point) He smiled at me. He smiled at me?! Noone smiles at you on the tube. I couldn't get a wavering eyelid as I ate a creme egg like a child and yet he smiled at me just for merely existing. That, my friends, is a carnal sin on the tube. I noticed he looked foreign. 'Probably not been in london long,' I thought. 'Bless him, he'll learn soon enough.'

conversations with pod 1

Me to Pod: "Did you really just bite my arm?!"

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Are you good God?

Last week there was a moment when I felt that something really special was either going to be snatched away from me and lead to devastation, or given to me and lead to rejoicing. I felt on a knife-edge between despair and hope. And I knew also, that it was partly my fault I was in this position. I longed to know what the outcome would be and yet was so fearful to know too in case it went the wrong way. And yet I Knew there's nothing I could do except wait and pray.

And trust God's sovereignty. And yet, trusting God's sovereignty is the tough part. How easy it is to rejoice in His sovereignty when I get what I want, but to rejoice just as greatly when I don't? To procalim that God is good with just as much belief and certainty in the face of despair as in joy? Can I do that?

I battled with God that day, not to give me what I wanted, but to give me a heart that trusted his sovereignty 100% and believe no matter what happned that He was good.

In the end, it all worked out and I could get on my knees and thank God for his mercy, his grace and for giving me the desires of my heart.

How often I must make God sad when I only thank him for these good things and not for the things he gives me daily, the things I overlook, or the things that don't make sense or are hard for me to swallow. How often, when i receive good gifts from God, I question whether they are actually good, if I should be receiving them. How I must make God sad.

Praise him for his grace and mercy, for his sovereignty and goodness!!

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

a long description of my birthday celebrations....!!

i had a lovely birthday...thanks for all your birthday wishes and coming to my party. the presents were great too...

the day started with my housemates making me scrambled eggs, beans, tomatoes, toast, waffles, freshly squeezed juice and coffee, surrounded by balloons theyd be up at 730am blowing up and lots of lovely presents...

then i had photography all day at college and at lunchtime i met up with some CU girls and we ate and Milly made a cake with candles. This is me with it! this is the only photo i can upload for the time being...

after kickboxing i went to greenwich with my housemates for dinner in a favourtie mexican restaurant: 'Desperados'. It was Lurrrvely...though some guys on the table next to us kept buying me tequila shots-urggghhhh. At desert time, all the lights dimmed and music started blaring over the speakers 'Happy Birthday to you' and all the restaurant sang to me while the waiter bought me desert with sparklers and candles! It was cool.

On Saturday night I had over 35 people cram in my house for a party...a random selection of people from different spheres of my life. Nice to catch up with a bunch of folk and I got so many lovely carsd and presents. It was weird to think all those people were there for best present was a really long scarf knitted from scratch with buttins sewn on it by erica and anna. Above and beyond that the best present was a certain someone being in my life...

so that was how i celebrated turning 22...hmmm, i wonder what this year is gonna look like?

Monday, January 16, 2006

monster slippers rock...

for p.

Friday, January 13, 2006

its my party and ill cry if i want to...!


Come and join the party. To celebrate and have fun, please click on any of the links to play some fun games.

We're a little low on seems the shops were shut and ive eaten all my birthday cake myself, but where there's people there's lots of games to play!!

happy birthday to me...

The online party is currently expereincing a few technical difficulties...please, sit back, play with a balloon, pour yourself an er, invisible drink...and well, like all good parties, they take a little time to warm up...:(


Wednesday, January 11, 2006

when the dust clears...

Eventually, when I've worked the angst out of my system over this essay and I've got over my feelings of shame to do with the fact that I can't write a convincing enough argument for the case of faith, this time. What am I left with? I'm left with not only a belief that I am right but with a heart that is beginning to break again for these messed up academics, many of whom are in my department, whose stuff I am quoting, who have no hope, have no peace and are lost wandering in a sea of subjectivity and loss of absolutes.

And I ask God to give me a heart that will see this even clearer. That won't be intimidated that I don't have the answers but one that longs to reach out with those that I do. To proclaim that 'then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.'
If you hate the taste of wine;
why do you drink it til you're blind?
and if u swear there's no truth and who cares;
how come you say it like you're right?
Why are you scared to dream of God;
When it's salvation that you want?

You see stars that clear, have been 'dead for years'
But the idea just lives on.

In our wheels that roll around
As we move over the ground
And our day it seems
Weve been inbetween
A past and future town

We are nowehere and it's now
In like ten minute dreaming in the passanger seat
While the world was flying by...


oh not even half way through my essay and im already 500 words over the limit. How did that happen?!

And it's due in tomorrow...this could be fun...gulp!!

my new years resolution...just thought of stop being SO darn crytpic on here. It's really not fair is it?! WA, yeah. scary laughs are NOT good.

happy mouse

like a cat that got the cream, so is a mouse that got her cheese...

Monday, January 09, 2006

an invitation to the whole blogging community...

You are invited to my online birthday party on Friday!!!

drop by my blog at anytime between midnight to midnight on 13th Jan and there you will find birthday cake, party hats and fun for all.

Don't forget that a good party is only as good as the company that you drop by with and the conversation you create!

RSVP so I know how many to cater for...

It's PARTY time!

"Upbuilding discourses in various spirits"

When a woman works on a cloth for sacred use, she makes every flower as beautiful, if possible, as the lovely flowers of the feild, every star as sparkling, if possible, as the twinkling stars of the night; she spares nothing but uses the most precious things in her possession; then she disposes of every other claim on her life in order to purchase the uninterrupted and opportune time of day and night for her sole, her beloved, work. But when the cloth is finished and placed in accordance with its sacred purpose - then she is deeply distressed if anyone were to make the mistake of seeing her artistry instead of the meaning of the cloth or were to make the mistake of seeing a defect instead of seeing the meaning of the cloth. She would not work the sacred meaning in the cloth; she would not embroider it on the cloth as an additional ornament. The meaning is in the beholder and in the beholder's understanding when, faced with himself and his won self, he has in the infinite remoteness of separation infinitely forgotten the needlewoman and her part. It was permissible, it was fitting, it was a duty, it was cherished duty, it was a surpeme joy for the needlewoman to do everything in order to do ehr part, but it would be an offense against God, an insulting misunderstanding to the poor needlewoman, if someone were to make the mistake of seeing what is there but is to be disregarded, what is there-not to draw attention to itself but, on the contrary, only so that its absence would not disturbingly draw attention to itself.
(S. Kierkergaard, 1847:117)

yum yum

137 Righteous are you, O Lord,
and right are your rules.
138 You have appointed your testimonies in righteousness
and in all faithfulness.
139 My zeal consumes me,
because my foes forget your words.
140 Your promise is well tried,
and your servant loves it.
141 I am small and despised,
yet I do not forget your precepts.

142 Your righteousness is righteous forever,
and your law is true.
143 Trouble and anguish have found me out,
but your commandments are my delight.
144 Your testimonies are righteous forever;
give me understanding that I may live.

161 Princes persecute me without cause,
but my heart stands in awe of your words.
162 I rejoice at your word
like one who finds great spoil.

Psalm 119:137-144, 161-162

Sunday, January 08, 2006


It was really good to be back at Christchurch this morning. In all it's disorganisation, fun, reality and gospel centeredness. We've started a new series on Revelation...

It was really good to take communion and refocus back on the cross and undeserved grace and forgiveness for all my stuff ups.

It was really good to have lunch with a bunch of friends from church. Weirdly enough it seems practically everyone in the '20s/30s' crew have got into relationships over the last few weeks.

It was really good to come back here and start work on a talk for CU for next week and listen to some sermons on Galatians and think about freedom and grace.

It's been a good day.

yup, so it's foolishness

RAAAAAA...what a great passage. Pod reminded me of it and I read it last night and then Kath also reminded me of it today. Thanks guys. I choose to believe this stuff. And I praise God for it, even if I don't understand it half the time!! It doesn't need any Becci commentry - God's powerful word speaks for itself.

18 For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. 19 For it is written,

“I will destroy the wisdom of the wise,
and the discernment of the discerning I will thwart.”

20 Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? 21 For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe. 22 For Jews demand signs and Greeks seek wisdom, 23 but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles, 24 but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. 25 For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

26 For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, [2] not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. 27 But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; 28 God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, 29 so that no human being [3] might boast in the presence of God. 30 He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, whom God made our wisdom and our righteousness and sanctification and redemption. 31 Therefore, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.”
1 Corithians 1:18-31

Saturday, January 07, 2006

the foolishness of the gospel.

So I've just written out the gosepl message in my essay as a 'discourse'...the predominant discourse in my childhood. And I'm sat here in tears, floods of tears because it sounds so foolish. The most precious thing I possess within my soul sounds so so foolish in an essay 'supposedly' so full of academic vigor.

And I know it's becuase we live in a topsy turvy world and God's ways are not our ways and I feel so herrectical for wishing that it all just sounded a little less crazy and a bit more intelligent.

I hate this essay and I should never have embarked on it. I'm going to an awful job of it if I have any hope of getting it in on time.


so far 2006 has been pretty cool. other than this essay which today, is having the effect of making me cry. :(

other than that my main thought of the day is that 2006 is cool and i like it and it seems to me that it might be liking me too. :)

and it's only day 7!

laurel, by me.

Friday, January 06, 2006

God is there.

Tonight I need to know God's grace and be reminded of his everlasting love. Sometimes I am astounded at how long I think I can go on so self-involved and not on my knees. And yet He is my all sufficient and the satisfier of my soul. Praise Him for His faithfulness.

"How can I further Your kingdom, when I'm so wrapped up in mine?"


Pod: (eating chocolate brownie) "This is like chocolate clouds in my mouth."

Thursday, January 05, 2006


anxious mouse...
excited mouse
uncertain mouse

and here we go...

woobwoo!! i wrote a paragraph. It's the intro to the intro and I am so proud of myself im gonna post it. It's not fabulous but it's a start...

"What happens when a baby is born into the world, into a family who subscribe to a faith system and do so in a way that ensures the child knows more about Christianity than any other discourse, any other way of knowing the world, it's histories and geographies? Through the discourses the child partakes in, negotiates with and navigates her way through, what does the child grow up believing and knowing? What texts are influential in her subjectification and in her own understanding of herself? Are her beliefs a process purely of social construction, of engaging with discourses or is there something more? The child is me, born and raised in a very committed Christian family and now, 22 years later attempting to engage with ideas about my subjectification and asking questions of the discourses that have shaped, and continue to shape my personhood.

In order to attempt to answer this question I intend to autobiogrphically describe my life in three stages; my childhood, my teenage years and the present whilst engaging critically with theories surrounding social constructionsim, discourse and subjectivity. For each stage I will look at some key texts and discourses that I believe have shaped my subjectivity and I will attempt to understand these aswell as raising unanswered questions that I have regarding theories of social constructionism and truth."

still sighing....

somebody please HELP me!!

Man, if I hear the same riff coming from Laurel's room one more time I'm gonna screeeaaammmm!

It's 3pm and I still havent written a word. I've 3000 words to do. My work attitude and aptitude is getting worse and worse and worse. I still don't know how to do this, or where to begin. And I can't find enough criticism. And I hate the fact that what I believe cannot seem to be argued academically in the face of social constructionism. Or at least I don't seem to have the brains, or my grubby hands on the right books, to be able to do so. :(

Hmmm, dog milker / , you're good at this stuff...fancy writing an essay for me?!

Thing is I really want to bring glory to God through this and I want to somehow 'make a point' but I have a feeling I'm just not going to be able to and just need to do what I can and trust God with the rest. I'm also objecting to 'casting my pearls before swine'. Ah well.

To work...

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

what to do oh what to do....

"The most interesting people I knew at 22 didn't know what they wanted to do with their lives. The most interesting people I know at 40 still don't know what to with their lives."

Oh, the wisdom of Baz Lurman which makes me feel so much better.

I've been thinking about the future alot in the last few days. And although it's bright, it's kinda bright white. like white noise or white space...depending on your artistry.

*sigh*...Pod asked me what I was gonna do and it kinda well, er, made me think...thanks Pod, you too rock my world, but I'm in a tangle now...!!;)

I just don't have a clue and somehow feel that I should.

But as usual, things start to happen when i start to think and worry and things plop on my lap. like today. After shopping and spending too much money I went round to my aunt and uncles for dinner which was SO nice. They live in Teddington which is posh and lots of art/media people are their friends. They've been doing some prodding around for me in the last week or so and have more or less secured me a work placement in May on a film about Kenneth Branagh. it's a start and they're continuing to push a few doors...

Also, a friend of mine, who was orphaned in the vietnamese war, wants to go back for the very first time, and would like me to document it in words and photos. I have some publishing contacts and may see what we can do with this....hmmm....

so yeah, interesting days ahead...

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

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im really struggling with this essay. it's autobiographical and i just dont know how honest to be. It's hard becuase alot of how my faith has survived over the years to me somewhat proves that it's not purely a product of discourse. But there's too much personal stuff that i don't think i have the stomach to write in an academic essay, debasing it in order to argue with the likes of Foucault. And I'm just not sure it would be right anyway. some of the stuff is just too black and it's the past and needs to stay there. sigh. i just don't know where to begin.

and im tempted to give up.


and thus begins the whole depressive cycle of essay a line, type a sentance, procrstinate for twice the time spent on the essay. I wish i had more discipline. this is the essay, now finally, on faith and social construction. I feel anxious about it becuase i want to critically engage at an academic level that's appropriate but i really don't want to take away from God what is his and what has been his work in my life and not the discourses I have participated in.

not done this before: book recommendation. READ Finding Joy by Marcus's amazing. ive never read a book before that puts across grace so welll, but more than that the position therefore that the law and holy living in light of Jesus and the New Testament, have.

quote of the morning:
Laurel and I look out from my window at our back garden, weeds growing EVERYWHERE at break neck speed...our garden has no lawn, just paving slabs.

me thinks: "man we need to sort our garden out."

Laurel: "well, at least our grass is growing"

Monday, January 02, 2006

mousetrap update

the mouse is happy. it's crawled out of it's hole to discover that the mousetrap has been removed and the cheese is almost it's for the taking. almost. at least the mouse can sniff the cheese and work out what type it is; emmental, edam, cheddar or brie. the mouse has to be careful becuase eating a piece of cheese all at once can give it a terrible stomach ache and indigestion.

for now the mouse is very happy that the trap has gone and as far as it can see no cat or other obstacle is too ominous...

though it has a terrible headache from being up all night sniffing the cheese...

Sunday, January 01, 2006

fireworks, baptisms and joy

wow, what a beautiful way to start 2006...hanging over the edge of esther and adrian jervis' balcony with the Chilvers' and a bunch of other people popping party poppers and drinking champagne.

The balcony looks out across central pauls, the gerkin, tower 42, Tower Bridge and the London Eye. So as Big Ben gonged 1st Jan 2006 we saw hundreds of fireworks going off across the city and of course we saw the whole spectacular display at the Eye.

This afternoon, I went to Anne-Marie's baptism. She's the girl I meet up with to read he Bible and it's been such a blessing and encouragement to see her grow and to discover Jesus more together. Her church is majority phillipino and wow, what an expereince. I have never been to a church where people are SO outwardly expressive in 'doing church'. It definately added a new dimension to 'worshipping with the whole of your being.' What came across most was their real joy and delight in Jesus. Not a fake joy but a real focusing on the wonder of God and all his blessings. And ACTIVE decision to praise God despite anything else.That, if I had to make a resolution this year is it. To praise God and be thankful. It's so easy, in the face of difficulty to take my eyes off the goodness and beauty of God, of all He's done for me, and to sulk. God commands my praise. I am commanded to 'be thankful' (colossians) and not to complain or grumble. No matter the circumstance.

This year I want to know Jesus more and delight in him. To stop the grumbling. I need a change of heart, I need to be filled more with his spirit, with a spirit of humility and gratitude. That's realism. It's ok to cry, ok to mourn, but not to grumble and certainly not to forget the grace and awesomeness of my heavenly father.

Happy New Year.

my beautiful cousin laura. age 6.

my nan

10 for lunch!

some of my family from colombia joined us for christmas day. man, it was so good to see them, they are adorable our living room after present opening. it pretty much looked like a bomb had exploded!

my dad is SUCH a kid (with part of my present to him!!)

eating a the satsuma at the bottom of the stocking on christmas morning!