Monday, March 21, 2005

try again...

back to last week...

on tuesday night after kitting out the prayer room bill suggested we pray for the next couple of days, and committing the prayer room and all that would go on there to God. I don't think I've ever known a prayer meeting like it. a very real descension of God that forced us to our knees in awe and wonder. some in tears. spontaneous singing. the 5 of us, compelled to worship. like children on christmas eve he excited us by what presents we might unwrap.

throughout wednesday people went to that prayer room to spend an hour or two alone with God. writing prayers, verses onm the walls and words that they felt from God in a book. God touched individuals and as a CU encuraged us to pray bigger and ask bigger things. to expect God and allow God to move mountains. to change Goldsmiths into a college that honours him. prayers that were inspiring and prayers that were challenging.

Wednesdy night between 11pm-2am we were given half of the student union (1st floor is bar, 2nd floor is club area. we had the 1st floor) to rearrange how we liked-sofas, tables, pool tables etc and use all the bar/kitchen facilities. The provision of this was an absolute miracle. We gave out stacks of free tea and taost to those who were going to the main club night on the 2nd floor-busiest night of the week. We gave out 15 loaves of bread and had a great time chatting to freinds, making new friends and sharing the gospel to those who asked. which was alot. God blew our minds by how many people were keen to listen and know. And God blew me away by seeing CU people do things they never thought they could and by taking me and oraginsiing something that at times felt too big.

exhausted wednesday night i didn't sleep. i could only pray. and then felt awful on thursday!

thursday we manically made baguettes with humous, cheese etc, bought some wine and yummy cookies and set up a nice lunch bar area in one of the sudent union rooms. my housemates came which surprised me. another miracle. as did some other friends of people. adrian spoke and there was a good discussion afterwards-led by one of my housemates.

so what did God do in the long run? time will tell. we think that we're on the brink of something and we're excited by what may happen over the next months, years. i think we need to just keep praying big and not foget God is omnipotent. Even with a small CU God works. I think we learnt to stop trying to do it and just be.

To him who is able to do immesurably abundanly more than we can ask or imagine...

Thursday, March 17, 2005

drifting in and out of consiousness

surviving on 1 hour of sleep and pushing through a temperature and outrageously sore throat, 'sweating like a pig' comes to mind i have to write about the last 48hours before i head back through the setting sun to rest my weary body and spiritually exhilerated but exhausted soul.

This week, as a CU we set about to do something that's not been done before.

After weeks of planning, fraught with anxiety, excitement and prayer a few of headed to the multi faith prayer room (aka muslim mosque) to transfrom it into a christian prayer room. We covered the walls with paper, a tree, a map of goldsmiths, a map of the world, ideas for prayer etc, rugs, cushions, pens, paper and looked about us expectantly at the room that the next day, all day would witness people coming to seek God. This was inspired by the movement 24/7 prayer (a worldwide organisation-the premise when God's people pray, things happen)

Casting my mind back to tuesdya night is now such a difficult thing to do midst my tiredness I am not coherant. Bill suggested we pray.

In fact I amnnot coherant. I am goign to bed and I will fill in what happens when God's people pray big tomorrow. God's a big God and gives his people dreams and visions and imaginings and ideas and he does the impossible. after some sleep i will tell of some of this.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

medical disaster

I am now the proud owner of my first broken bone. sniff.

Picture this: I am coming back from interface (arts discussion group for students in the arts) with ally and another friend, Simeon. We are at Tottenham Court Road station. There are two options which face us-the northern line or the central line to get us to London Bridge. I know that the northern line is the best and right option, so i keep walking and have just stepped on the escalator when i realise neither simeon or ally is with me. I turn round, just as they yell: 'come back's not right..." So, traversing down the down escaltor I attempt to run back up. Back up the down escaltor. not a good idea. I lose a shoe (for the second time that day-the other time was going up the steps aqt college when i get ot the top and realise i have only my tights on my feet. my shoe, well, it is halfway down the stairs with other studetns looking at it, looking at me, and slight confusion all around.I pick it up.) And well, I go flying. Flat, on my face on the escatlor, as it continues to travel down. attractive. And my toe is twisted underneath me. I stand up, regain my dignity and realise my big toe of my right foot isn't feeling happy. So yes, I am now the unhappy owner of not just an egg on my knee and a cut on my left foot, certian amounts of embarrasment - at least it was only infront of my ex-boyfriend and a very good friend...and yes, a broken toe. a broken toe.

ally and sim laughed. then when 5 minutes later i refused to walk any further, pale in the face from the pain, they took me seriously and i got a piggy back all the way on the tube, through waterloo station and even when ticket buying. I also think they felt guilty for being proud men. I was after all, right. of course.

6 weeks a broken big toe takes to heal. and do i get a plaster cast? nope. do i get crutches? nope. I just have to walk on the thing, strapped up, in agony. marvellous.

Really. I am a medical disaster at the moment. I've been to A&E once, been to the emergency NHS drop in centre twice, had 3 paramedics and a neenawneenaw called for me, a scan on monday for my suspected gall stones and a broken toe all in the space of a month and a half!

At least when i become a tax payer, I'll know that the part that goes to the NHs has been well used by myself.

Friday, March 04, 2005

and yet more...

Actually, on a non-God level this is all fairly common sense. whilst recognising the difficulties and the pain and not turning a blind eye to that, and certianly, not trying to minimise that in the life of others either, there are only 2 ways we can go through life.

I certinalky don't want to spend the next 50 years (if God keeps me here that long) dwelling on my pain and my hurt. It is common sense to see that is destructive. There's a real assesmment of pain, and, similarly, not being realistic is destructive, but wallowing and not activily seeking the positive is a waste of energy and a waste of life. There are 2 ways of looking at life.

To coin an equally trite saying as the last, in verse:

'two men looked out through the same bars
one saw the mud
one saw the stars'

in response...

In respsonse to comments on my previous post I would write more. Not as a way of refining but of explaining more my thought processes and what may seem like a controversial thing i said.

I actually don't think what I said is wholly controversial, it all depends on how you take it. 'Looking on the bright side of life' is certianly not a phrase that I would use in counselling. Flip, I wouldn't have lasted a month as CU president!! No, more, this is a manifesto for myself, something I am inwardly cultivating. and something I am thinking about. alot.

I guess in essence what I'm thinkin about is that thin line we tread between being realistic about our hurts and working through them and then, on the other side, wallowing.

As I said, there are times of life when we struggle and this sense of positivity is not about ignoring that; these things are real and, there is a time to grieve and a time to cry. Most definatley. And sometimes, illness of the mind prevents any kind of positivity. But there's a very real difference between this and self-pity. Self pity is the attitude that takes it all one step further and is destructive; it's a wallowing in self and a lack of trust in the providence of God.
It is when I allow my thoughts to linger on self and the things that haven't gone the way I PLANNED or the way I WANTED. Broken dreams are not broken at all, messed up plans are not messed up at all when they're seen from God's perspective.

God is most glorified in my life when I am most satisfied in him. And to get me to a point of satisfaction there are certian things that will inevitably happen to me, both good and bad. The object of my life is to learn how to be most satisfied in God and this will only occur when I start trying to see life the way God does. To get down on my knees, through the good and the bad. And in day to day life, to see the things I can thank God for rather than the things I can complain about.

As I said just reading about Paul is enough the challenge me and to wake me up to myself time and time again. And recognise that I need to 'take every thought captive to obey Christ.' That's every thought. And that is challening and humbling.

Maybe it's all far fetched. Maybe it's all rose tinted. But I don't think so, I think it's the hardest thing in the world to submit evry thought to obey Christ and give him my life to do as he wills. Gulp. Inevitably, it's the only way I can be satisfied and it's the only way he is most glorified.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

and be thankful

I'm beginning to believe that self-pity and negativity are the most damaging thing to the human soul. It's not that they are stand alone concepts but rather are often the by-product of something else inside; be that distrust, bitterness, jelousy, pride, the feeling we deserve better or simply a lack of thankfulness.

Don't get me wrong, there is a place to grieve and to be real about our siutation. But self-pity is so soul destroying becuase it causes me to look inward and fundamentally is me telling God what he is, isn't good enough. It's soul destroying becuase it stops me looking at the potential of the things that I do have and going after them with full motivation and speed.

It's a destructive thought process that in turn, creates a whole heap of negatie things within me. And, not like circumstances, it can be helped. It's mind over matter. an active focusing away from self and outward thinking, a conscious decision not to think, and then a reality check on the good things that I'm blessed with

The phrase 'always look on the bright side of life' sounds trite and cliched and yet there is great wisdom in it. Paul was a great advocate of this one and man, if anyone had the right to self pity and negativity, he did. He knew what he was on about and I'm sure he didn't say it lightly when time and time again he says 'and be thankful.'

And how can I do this? I just have to 'BE thankful'