Monday, October 31, 2005

coming out of the hole

So for the last few weeks I've been in a pretty black hole. Hence the excessive blogging but lack of real contact with anyone and random posts about pain etc and not much about what's going on in my head or in my world other than parties and parables.

But now I'm blinking in the sunlight of realignment and just working stuff out.

Knowing that I'm where I am for a purpose

But knowing that God can also do it without me. So any of my feelings of success or failure are completely irrelevent.

Opening my eyes, looking up and seeing God powerfully at work in Goldsmiths.

Discovering I'm pooped becuase I'm being a secretary and evang sec aswell as president so working out strategies with the committee to address this

Beginning to understand my limitations and, painfully, that some giftings I think I have i may not have.

Learning I need to just love jesus and learn to love him more.

Having really fab friends in CU who break into my room while I'm at home and put flowers, chocolates, notes, cards and a stringey thing with hearts and bible verses hanging from my window...!!

Sunday, October 30, 2005

lifestyles of the rich and the famous...

and all things spooky...

On thursday we celebrated sam's birthday mixed with a halloween extravaganza. Sam is SO into halloween that our whole house currently looks like a haunted house complete with orange lights (actually that' more brothel like)
Sam's DJing performances have got her many 'lucrative' contacts like Djing for the MTV Europe awards in Lisbon next month and including an entrance into the club for her birthday night. This being, the instructions were to dress very nicely for we were to be hanging out with the 'rich and the famous'

Sam had her cake...yes, it is what it looks like. (sorry mum) and then we headed to Regent Street to Cafe Royale.

It was WERID. But that just gives away my lack of rich and famousness. Pants. We had huge doors swung open for us and we stepped onto a large marbled lobby and then through some more doors into a club with super high victorian style ceilings, chandaliers, sofas and just your normal DJ decks, bar etc. AND an awful lot of posers! We were 'informed' that the editor of Vogue mgazine was there as were some top models and slightly well known bands. oh and Kelly Osbourne was to be arriving in half an hour!

We got on with pretending we were famous. By attaching something similar to what we were, to our identities, we boosted our confidence and pretty much walked round the place like we owned it. Or at least that we deserved to be there. It was laughable!

(me and a best bud, designer boy)

The music was awesome and I danced like I haven't in ages. The poser attitudes worked. The manager of the club who looked like he'd just stepped out of Bugsy Malone-slicked back hair, tiny moustache and braces kept glancing over at me on the dance floor. eventually he came over, put his arm around me and said in THE most greasy voice ever 'so how are you then?' I replied that I was fine and how was he? He said 'so who might you be?' I replied my name was Becci and asked him his. He took my hand, said 'I am David' then knelt down and kissed my hand. Ew. I said to him 'I'm Sam's housemate'. At that he just kinda walked away. I think I said something wrong in the rules of be honest i don't care.

I don't care that I have nothing to prove. I don't care that I don't constantly have to look amazing. I don't care that I spent some of my summer helping refugees rather than 'attending these parties' as Sam said to me halfway through the night. I don't care that I had to pretent I was 'cool' enough to be there. I suspect so was practically everyone else there between their conversations of 'oh yes, I saw you in Milan or Paris'...I really had a great night. And yes, Kelly Osbourne did show up.

Oh and I also got asked out by a really cute black guy with amazing dance rhythm who
works for Gucci...ok so maybe I do care...just a little bit...

Friday, October 28, 2005

I feel the pain but it still doesn't change who you are

Thursday, October 27, 2005


last night i turned my phone off and im considering never turning it on again.

last night i dreamt i was back in colombia and woke up missing arepa de choclos and my family.

this week ive spent copious amounts of time emailing people and blogging.

i think im trying to escape

the postmodern soul

I have a whole module this term on knoweledge. Sociological knowledge and truth and whether we can ever get to such a thing. Using different models and different philsophers and pictching them in opposition to the classical science ideas of objectivity, method and rationality.

the whole point of this module; to discover whether we can ever get to truth. is there truth? A whole module on 5 little letters which are perhaps the most controversial of our time.

finally, we enter the postmodern soul.

In eager anticipation of Sam's 21st party tonight a few pics of margot's a few weeks ago...

the housemates...(plus boy sam)...

Wednesday, October 26, 2005


In an hour I have to go to an award ceremony and pick up £500.

I've been thinking about achievement. I can't really express this succinctly other than to say, that my housemates acheive alot. For example one of my housemates is a DJ and is going to do her stuff at the MTV Europe awards. Her life and time is consumed by this.

I, on the other hand have my life and time consummed by CU. by spending time with people and organisation which has no 'obvious' rewards. And my housemates don't know or understand.

And even in this at the moment I feel a failure.

But that's not the point. I know eternally something is happening and that keeps me going.

Except today I get to be presented with an 'academic acheivement' award for being in the top 3 students in the sociology department last year. It's very cool and I'm very pleased and I know it's all God.

And I'm very grateful. £500, who wouldn't be?

But I'd rather see another 99 people come to faith this year.

asked out for the 5th time by the same guy.
nice offers too...concerts, cinema, london eye...
and a lovely guy too but just my bro in christ and nothing more
why oh why do i like those i cant have and dont like those i can?
and do i really need to have 'the conversation'?
i just wanna hide.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

naked gospel chat

On monday night i had the weirest gospel conversation to date. standing in a pub after interface i chatted to two guys who weren't actually with our group but had accosted me as i came out of the toilet with a wish for me to sing 'eye of the tiger' i obliged and as a reward they taught me how to defend myself against knife and gun attacks...

then we got chatting about God. And ha d avery long pretty crazy conversation. they were drunk and highly intellectual which was a fairly diffiuclt combination. oh and they're goldsmiths graduates which always makes life interesting. The debate was noisy but fun.

My friend Simeon came over the join in and help me out. There was some weird philsophpical thing about the nature of God and whether he was naked(?!?!) Simeon, to illustrate a point, in the middle of the pub, stripped off his top. One of the guys said something along the lines of 'I can do that too' but didn't just stop at his top...he stripped down until he was COMPLETELY naked in the middle of the pub!!!

Needless to say we caused a bit of a stir...clothes back on, we continued the conversation...

Erhem, I don't think I'll forget that conversation. ever.

Monday, October 24, 2005


Dad sent me this to encourage me. I find it challenging more so...

“Continue in the faith.”
By Charles Spurgeon
Acts 14:22

Perseverance is the badge of true saints. The Christian life is not a beginning only in the ways of God, but also a continuance in the same as long as life lasts. It is with a Christian as it was with the great Napoleon: he said, “Conquest has made me what I am, and conquest must maintain me.” So, under God, dear brother in the Lord, conquest has made you what you are, and conquest must sustain you. Your motto must be, “Excelsior.” He only is a true conqueror, and shall be crowned at the last, who continues till war’s trumpet is blown no more. Perseverance is, therefore, the target of all our spiritual enemies. The world does not object to your being a Christian for a time, if she can but tempt you to cease your pilgrimage, and settle down to buy and sell with her in Vanity Fair. The flesh will seek to ensnare you, and to prevent your pressing on to glory. “It is weary work being a pilgrim; come, give it up. Am I always to be mortified? Am I never to be indulged? Give me at least a furlough from this constant warfare.” Satan will make many a fierce attack on your perseverance; it will be the mark for all his arrows. He will strive to hinder you in service: he will insinuate that you are doing no good; and that you want rest. He will endeavour to make you weary of suffering, he will whisper, “Curse God, and die.” Or he will attack your steadfastness: “What is the good of being so zealous? Be quiet like the rest; sleep as do others, and let your lamp go out as the other virgins do.” Or he will assail your doctrinal sentiments: “Why do you hold to these denominational creeds? Sensible men are getting more liberal; they are removing the old landmarks: fall in with the times.” Wear your shield, Christian, therefore, close upon your armour, and cry mightily unto God, that by his Spirit you may endure to the end.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

your grace has found me
just as i am
empty handed
but alive in your hand

the parable of the mouse trap.

Once upon a time there was a mouse. The mouse had the whole run of th house, with plenty of food for it to enjoy. Porridge oats, or sultans, or rice, or whatever it is that mice like.

One day the people that owned the house discovered mice poos and put down a trap. A trap with a little piece of cheese on it.

The mice now faced 'man's most perilous question'...did it eat that piece of cheese which, in mice terms was 'forbidden' or did he continue to investigate the cupboards and the whole of the house?

Thing is, to the mouse, the cheese was most inviting and the mouse really liked that cheese. Especially that brand. The mouse wondered why on earth he always liked that which was not allowed? The mouse wasn't stupid. He knew if he ate that piece of cheese it would be curtains. But oh, how he wanted that piece of cheese.

Tail between his legs, the mouse slinked back into his hole. He'd lost his appetite for anything else the kitchen offered becuase it was the cheese he wanted and knew he couldn't have it.

As he sat in his bed that night the mouse pondered upon the question of why he always seemed to like what he couldn't have and what he could have, he didn't. The mouse went hungry.

me and the train and everybody I don't know

I'm working on a series of work called 'me, and the train, and everybody i don't know.' It's comprised of 4 prints taken with a mobile camera. Here's one of them...

Friday, October 21, 2005

getting assulted

Hmmm...I don't know how to write about this now. In hindsight it's fairly amusing but at the time it was pretty horrible and just the 'perfect' way to finish off and sum up a really difficult couple of weeks. However, since that night things have chnaged round. SOmetimes we have to plummet fully to the depths in order to find the ladder to crawl out. Plummeting half way down keeps me wandering around in darknes claling out, crying out but not determined enough to rise

I'm waffling. This is pointless self-centered crap.

Anyway, on wednesday I was just going through in my head as I rode my bike home late at night the things I loved about cycling and the things I hated...I won't bore with the details.

I was on the Old Kent Road when I heard a car pull up beside me, lingering behind me. The guys were jeering and shouting out of the windows. South East london at night, anything can happen, especially when there's a car. Iw as a little freaked. Then the guys leaned out of the windows and as the driver sped up the two lads both hit me hard, with their hands, across my arse. It hurt like hell and i almost fell off my bike.

I pulled to the side of the road, atched them get stuck in traffic, wrote down their number plate and cried in rage and misery that so much crap seemed to keep happening.
Then I went to the police statio and hung around there fro an hour as I became yet another 'sexual assult' statistic.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

10 semi notable weekend things

I thought I would jump on the band wagon of some fellow bloggers in the conquest of blog emptiness by filling with bullet points. Things that have happened this week but aren't worthy of their own blog...

1. Tea and Toast night at Student Union club night. EVERYTHING went wrong that could go wrong. Including my state of mind. I was already burnt out and ended up sobbing in the toilets...then on my vice-pres in the prayer room (what a prat I am)...Despite it all some great conversations as always. God continues to rock!

2. Going to my housemate's DJ night and not paying any attention to her set...becuase there was free food...if only i could make some new friends first... Oh yes. Margot and I made a whole company worth of friends on Thursday night and ate so much we spent the whole journey home complaining how sick we felt

3. Said night's journey home being the worst ever save for the fact some nice lorry men gave us 4 pints of milk at 2am and I got a ride on the lifting platform on the back of the lorry

(these first two really could be a blog of their own to be fair)

4. Drawing St. Paul's cathedral. Badly. Wishing I could draw well. Why oh why did my sister get all those genes?

5. Winning the nobel peace prize, becoming a prime minister, discovering the cure for the common cold, finding the soultion to pollution, heading up a humanitarian aid project whilst having a teachers profession and living in a caravan on a salary of £70,000. All in one lifetime.

6. Being asked out for the 3rd time by 'Mr. Gynaecology'(...there's a story in that one). And pondering the question why oh why do my bro's in Christ want to ruin the safe feeling I have with them?!?! (ooo how selfish I am. But seriously)

7.Having my trousers nearly fall down in kickboxing. I spent the whole of the warmup retying them and retying them and getting condescending looks from oh so serious martial artistes.

8.Going to cambrdieg to do photography for the CICCU mission. Feeing very small and insignificant in the world of CUs.

9. The frightening realisation that a phone call from the airport from mentioned in 'alls fair in love and war' lifted my miserable mood.

10. Climbing back into God's lap and knowing him sing over me.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

preaching jesus...or not

exhausted and jaded. it's finally all caught up on me and i can't catch up on myself. And I'm annoyed at myself for feeling this way.

hanging onto joy by the tips of my fingers. And annoyed that i can't just get up and go to the next city and preach Jesus like Paul did...and the next and the next and the next...

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Caroline's new birth in everlasting grace

When you made your choices
And they bought you here
Surprised by failure
Hope replaced by fear
And you have no words
To say what you're looking for
Had your rules and broke them
Can't bear to see you own face
Now justice accuses
You get a thrist for grace
Everlasting grace

A new beginning
Life in Christ is now and ever
With mercy here anewed

When your heart is broken
By a sacrifice
What you've known is dying
You get a taste for life
Everlasting life

A new beginning
Life in Christ is now and ever
With mercy here anewed does one express something like this other than.....


Yesterday I met with a girl who came to our first CU meeting on tuesday night. Her mum's a muslim and a friend bought her. She told me that for a while she's realised that no matter what she does she can't get peace and assurance that things are ok with God and her.

She said in the room she saw people who had this. And a security she didn't have. She felt dazed and confused as Nat spoke about grace and the real gospel. Everything she ever thought about religion was crumbling down around her and she didn't understand why.

So I met up for coffee to talk more. Initially I suggested over the next few weeks we meet to read John's gospel together. But she had question after question.

And just as the sun rises over the horizon and floods the earth with light I watched her face change as she realised the reason she felt she couldn't do it was: Becuase she couldn't. The reason she felt imperfect: Was becuase she was. And that God offered her a free gift that she needed to accept. Jesus

an open present now
here is the moment
moments more are passing
pray for open eyes
and you're already here

you're already here
the usual
a miracle
and you're already here

Although there was still alot of questions she understood for the first time that she never would be able to do all that she wanted to do to be right with God and that Jesus had done it all.

In the middle of a busy coffee shop on campus we bowed our heads and prayed. And Caroline accepted christ into her life!!!

Here knocks
once more on a soft heart
In a hard world
Here stays until it's met

The revolution begins
And prayers are being answered

Monday, October 03, 2005

praying for goldsmiths

This is the back field at college. It is my dream and my vision to see this whole field filled with students worshipping God, singing of the greatness of Jesus and how his name is above every name, every philosophy, every idea. That there is ultimate truth.

Maybe I'm being a little crazy. some people think so. But I know God can do this. I know he may choose not to. But a few of us in the CU are committed to sowing the seed with this vision. Becuase we know God is a great big God and he can do it.

Put your ear down to the Bible, and hear Him bid you go and pull sinners out of the fire of sin. Put your ear down to the burdened, agonized heart of humanity, and listen to its pitiful wail for help. Go stand by the gates of hell, and hear the damned entreat you to go to their father's house and bid their brothers and sisters and servants and masters not to come there - William Booth, Founder of the Salvation Army

freshers freshed refresh them freshers

so it's the first day of term after freshers week. what a crazy crazy week. i could attempt to write poetically about this week but there's just too muhc buzzing around my brain and it never comes out right anyway.

God really excited me this week. Those new and big things, the visions and the dreams I have for Goldsmiths, the plans I believe God might have, and the desperations, londing, agony I feel to see God's kingdom come in Goldsmiths were glimpsed into this week. Just as I thought and hoped they might.

On Monday we gained access into all the halls and distributed 1050 John's gospels, put up posters and chatted to the freshers. How very cool. 1050 pieces of the Bible for every fresher! And apparently, we caused quite a few conversations. Good and bad. But people are talking about Jesus. Hoorah!

The events were semi succesful but more successful was having loads of people email and text wanting to find out about CU, wanting to come along and just being a prescence around college all week.

Freshers Fayre saw us signing around 90 people up to CU...and considering we only have 10 in the CU left...and around 25 people have sigend up to do a discussion/alpha type thingy. And there so many great gospel conversations throughout the day. woohoo! (pic=erica giving out "freshers packs")

On Friday night 28 people came to chinese and the jazz bar which was fab and 2 of those that came aren't believers yet but want to know more. I had an awesome chat with one guy who's dad is a muslim. he told me he now wants to find out the real truth and has come to us to find out. wow. This week I'm following all these guys up. with prayer and coffee and hopefully some divine action!

Personally it's been a tough week with issues surrounding the committee and general leadership issues. things i know are just part and parcel of leadership but still hurt. and also becuase God is at work there's always going to be opposition. We also have other outside pressures from other groups and loads of things kicking off. With which only God can give enough grace and love for me to deal with. And the wisdom to be the leader I am supposed to be.

My main concern is that i maintain plugging away at building friendships with those that know JEsus and those that don't yet. That I keep sowing the seeds and not get weary. For then there will, in time be a reaping.

That's my dream above all.