real honesty...last time.one time only.

Hmmm...how to write this? How do I condense a term's worth of thinking into one post and in a way that reflects reality? How do I do this without being utterly self-relfexive when in actual fact I want to somehow explain the wonder of God?

(Check out http://nathanburley.blogspot.com for details of a deal we made that somehow reflects why I havent written any of this until now.)

I feel cheated this term. I want to do this term all over again. I've missed it, it's bypassed me and I haven't enjoyed it. It's hard to express what's happened but through CU committee issues, Fusion stuff, absolute exhaustion from carrying too much and lack of support, I have been down and tired all term

Time and time again I've found myself longing to be like the apostle Paul. Able to keep going, able to keep perservering and sharing the gospel.

I found myself hurt by certain people but more so by the Devil who uses things to drive God's children to despair.

I'm not going to go into it more.
So there's been 3 major things weighing on my mind:
But I was left with questions about my ability to lead, therefore questions about february, about my worth as a child of God and about why God had not done what I expected him to do.

Don't get me wrong, life didn't stop but I think I've been operating at 50% of Becci.

And I've been hungry and waiting for God to break in. To intervene. To change my heart and show me reality. Waiting. And waiting.

And slowly but surely over the last 2 weeks God has opened my eyes to see things as they really are.

Last Tuesday I came to realise that the expectations I've had of God have bene of my own agenda. I thoroughly believe in having great expectations of God, praying for big things and dreaming big dreams for my college and my nation. But that's where it stops. Then it's God work to do it God's way and in God's timing. I felt I'd failed and I felt somehow God had failed. ARGH. Sometimes I'm so far from the truth it's like I've walked into a parralel universe.

God is sovereign. And God is moving and working in his way.

And this week he's been showing me that. Showing me that he is at work.

On Tuesday at CU I saw a group of young Christians hungry to worship and pray together for their world and for their college. As we sat in the pub afterwards I asked some of them what they had thought of CU (we'd just done informal worship/praying as an end of term thing and no talk) and one of the girls said "it was awesome but I'd like more Bible." I almost cried for joy. A CU that is hungry for God's word and hungry for Him. I hadn't seen it becuase I was so focused on the criticisms from a couple of people and their lack of desire to go deep. Many of the group are regularly meeting with a couple of us to read the Bible and pray. Again, this was not happening this time last year.

It was my dream and ambition that Goldsmiths College CU would be a community of God-lovers who desired to go deep into His word.

And it was my desire that we'd be motivated to reach out to our friends with the good news of Jeusus Christ.

And last night I realised how God had done just this. Tea and Toast was awesome. For 2 reasons.
It was awesome becuase I saw God at work. We had so many great conversations with so many broken people. Who were hungry. We gave away LIFE gospels and at one point there were more people in our room eating toast and chatting than there were on the dance floor upstairs. God used everybody in lots of really exciting ways. And even conversations into today, like with a girl on my course who managed to get the whole gospel in our 15min break! And I long for more.

And it was awesome becuase I saw 15odd CU members (only 3 of us were around last year) desperate to share their faith. This was evident in the fervent prayers beforehand, it was evident as I walked into the kitchen at one point to discover Lyanna and nikki praying and praying and praying over the toast as they spread butter onto it...and it was evident in the personal testimonies that were shared with me afterwards. James who couldn't stand still becuase he hadn't been able to tell anyone about Jesus yet, Tamsin who text me at 6am to say she'd only juts stopped having a conversation with a girl who's really messed up and they're going to read the Bible together (by far the most encouraging (and utterly surprising!)-tamsin is an 18 year old freshers.woobwoo.

I stood there, looked around at what God was doing in the college and in the lives of the CU who, most of whom have said about a month ago they were afraid and now they just want to share Jesus. And I praised God.

And I realised that I've been so caught up in the hurt and grief of what went before that I've failed most of the time to notice what an awesome bunch are in the CU.
And I realised that becuase of what people were like when I took over in February I just expected the same of these guys. How utterly foolish and utterly wrong.

Which brings me, in some ways to February and change over of committee...I shared with a whole bunch of them on tuesday night what committee looks like. I shared the possibilities and the excitment and I emphasised the hard work. And I expressed the fact that I may not be president. It was like someone had told them their granny had died. How could I possibly not be president again? Like the CU would fall apart or something...Man, that was the encouragement I needed. But more than that (before I get a big head) it was profitable to express to them their responsibility not to just be consummers of CU. To take ownership for it. That we all have a part to play.

Most of all God has reminded me of the wonder of him. He's reminded me of grace. I've been reading in Ezekial of the judgement that God brings on the nations for their abominations and deep down it struck me with such clarity that I am, I was just like that. I was that abomination that deserves judgement and yet, for God's mercy alone I have been rescued from the pit and set on a journey heavenbound. I am no worse and I am no better than those nations and no worse or better than my friends. Yet, for whatever reason God has been merciful.

And God is at work. with or without me. He will accomlish what he has set out to do. I am a small mouth piece in that.

I don't know what else to write. I've already written too much and am wondeirng if I am violating any codes of disclosure. But I write in order that God may be praised for saving me, a piece of dust and for working despite my crap. And for what he is doing in Goldsmiths. Becuase he is God and he is awesome.

What was I thinkig?!