i thirst

If anyone thirsts let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes me, as the Scripture has said, 'out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.'

(John 7:37-39)

I'm glad this promise is as true today as it was the first time i said 'i thirst.'

you know where its at...

nothing like a serious kickboxing session to beat the stressed out blues...

as i walked home i swung my boxing gloves at the thought of a lamb burger, Hagen Dazs ice cream, a date with Inspector Frost and an empty house...

grrr

I am finally going to bed. It's ten past midnight and i feel jittery becuase i still have SO much to do. I was up at 8 and have been running around ever since. Doing nothing but lectures and my photography project. It's been stressful and a near disaster but good. But pretty much every day this week has been as mad. 12-14 hr days of craziness and not even stopping to eat (unless theres a book in my other hand(the one not feeding the mouth)) (oh yeah, and the 'hoorah, im not president anymore' celebration one with pod!)

It's fun too but i fee over worked and most definately underpaid. And I got arsey with Pod :(

However did i find time to be president of the CU?! hahaha..er, actually this is now the product of it!

don't come on here if you're a student and tell me you do longer days. I'll give you beats. I'm grumpy. I'm sure you are more hard core than me...

My cousins fiance put this on her blog. I add a hearty 'amen':
----As a female, I reserve the right to be in a bad mood whensoever I choose (spontaneous or chronic), without any obvious cause or reason, and without revealing any such grounds or motive for the said strop, will whinge as if I expect you to fix it and/or make it all better. So there.----

gone gone gone oh yes

I am SO tired.

Today I did my last CU meeting as president and held a 'handover' meeting in my room, minus most of the old committe, over cheese on toast.

I'm FRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I've drunk too much diet coke

And I'm shell shocked from all that's happened

And I'm also really exicted for the new committe which has just literally come together in the last 24hrs...phew....I would like to say 'God, that was cutting it a little close, non?!' but who am I to judge the sovereignty of the Divine. God is cool. uber cool.

awaken me

Were there but some deep, holy spell, whereby
Always I should remember thee...
Lord, see thou to it, make thou remembrance's load:
Only when I bethink me can I cry;
Remember thou, and prick me with love's goad.
When I can no more stir my soul to move,
And life is but the ashes of a fire;
When I can but remember that my heart
Once used to live and love, long and aspire -
Oh, be thou then the first, the one thou art;
Be thou the calling, before all answering love,
And in me wake hope, fear, boundless desire.

--George McDonald--
(Diary of an Old Soul)

oh boy...how did i end up with someone like this?!

http://lord-zebu.blogspot.com

wonderwoman?

My ideal self is different from my real self. I'm always fighting my real self, telling it to shut up and stay hidden in the recesses so that my ideal self, which, is a combination of my real self and thoughts about me that aren't and also what others see can shine. I've come to a point that what my ideal self is not so much a fiction but a warped view of who I am. It's me, plus what I try to be. And actually my real self can't cope with all that my ideal self wants to be. And that's ok. It's just hard to hold my hands up to that and stop the fighting and the trying and accept that I'm not wonder woman!! But actually, it's the most freeing place of all.

there's a remarkable similarity between their faces...dont ya think?!

my boyfriend is a three year old...

so let me tell you about my boyfriend...

We're at the zoo and we've just been looking at an animal called the 'Zebu'. Pod remarks 'What a cool name for an alien warlord..' I grunt and go to look at the prairie dogs. I start reading the sign because I don't know much about prarie dogs and think this is a good oppoertunity to increase my knowledge...

Meanwhile, Pod is hanging, whimpering on my arm...

Me: "What's wrong? This is really interesting...look, prarie dogs build burrows.'
Pod: "Becci, please can you start calling me lord Zebu. From now on I think you should address me as Lord Zebu."

*me thinks* "I'm in a relationship with a 3 year old..."

conversations with pod 3

Pod: "When I look at you, right, you're all arty farty and
you look like the kind of person that should be able to sing...
And then you do
And It's just wrong."


Off to see lord Bhogal this weekend... :)

by popular demand

by popular demand, here is a photo (taken with my phone's camera so not great quality!) of the photo of my stomach. There you go...isn't it WEIRD that you can see my insides?! "concentrate...here comes the science bit"...so apparently, it's the bottom of my stomach on one of the bendy bits. Can you see the redness toward the top of the picture? That's where the problem is...it's sore and inflammed...a biopsy is taken (so yeah, I'm now missing a bit of my stomach-*sob*) and I'll find out in a week what's up...

Aren't you SO SO glad you asked to see it?!

endoscopy fun...yeah right.

urgh...today i had the delightful pleasure of having an endoscopy (pieice of piping with camera attached insterted through your mouth down into your stomach and small bowel). It was NOT fun.

At all...the weirdest part was when I had a minor panic attack when i was having the anaesthetic sprayed on the back of my mouth...(the least liekly point to panic!!)

The grossest part was constantly gagging for the duration and having a sucker to suck out the puke from my mouth...

The most interetsing part was when I learnt (afterwards) that my panic moment during the procedure was because the tube was going from my stomach to my bowel-obviously I didn't feel the difference but my body knew that there was something bad happening and told my brain and caused me to thrash around like a maniac all without me consciously understanding why I was but feeling massive amounts of 'ARGH get this thing out of me!'

The coolest part was when it finished and I got to take home a photo of my stomach...hehe!

The best part was it finishing...
Me to the nurse: 'That was the most horrible thing in the world.'
Nurse: "I take it you haven't had children yet?"
Me: "Nope, and now, thanks to you, I won't be."

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh

ARGH I'm such a freakoid. Why am I such a worrier a thinker and a freaky deaky?!

a new chapter...

Today I went to a different church from the one I have been going to (one of the yucky decisions ive made)...it installed the correct meaning back into the word 'community'...

one of the weirdest things about this church was discovering that no less than 4 people go there who are ex-goldsmiths CU presidents. One of them dating back to 1981...I wasn't even born then and in those days there was around 100 members. gulp.

It was weird becuase of one of the other decisions I've made this week. To hand over as president. This has been a heart wrenching decision. Not becuase I'm surgically attached to the job (although it has somewhat become surgically attached to me!) but becuase there's noone obvious to hand over to. So what do you do?

Do you carry on when you know you are exhausted but know that God has used you throughout the year? Do you carry on shouldering the responsibility for something that no longer makes your heart beat faster becuase you know to let go is to risk things falling apart?

When all is said and done, I know I have to hand over for my own discipleship and for the discipleship of the CU...The CU have become too reliant on me and I, similarly may have become too reliant on me. In order for the CU to grow and to step up to the plate of responsibility, I have to step down. And in order for me to start accepting God's authority over the CU a bit more and seeing his ownership, rather than mine, I have to step down.

This process has hurt as I've owned up to my pride and lack of reliance of grace. Recognsing that it's ok to walk away from something is bruising to the ego. At the same time, letting go has been freeing. I feel so much freer to spend time with my course friends and work on my degree which is what drew me to Goldsmiths in the first place. My year as president has been reall tough, and though I've learnt alot, and seen God do alot, it's caused much heartache aswell. That's leadership I guess.

I have to replace my concern for the future of the CU's leadership with prayer for it. Knowing that the CU is God's and I am not indispensable...I wait, excited to see what God will do with Goldsmiths CU becuase where his children are, there he is also.

hanging out with pod

reality checking!

Hmmm, a reality check has been carried out on the previous post and I'm needing to make a couple of ammendments...

1) 'destruction' was way too heavy a word to use for the situation...though I have been known to cause this in the past!
2) Actually far more building up is occuring in said siutation than tearing down.

Sometimes my melodrama surprises even me!! It's true to say however that the chinks and the cracks in myself are there and there is always the ability to do damage and good. By God's grace I pray that I may build up and be a blessing as a relfection of Jesus more than relfect my old nature.

simultaeously...

It really distresses me how we can simultaneously build someone up and cause destruction through the very same action. And it hurts me most that I do it the most to those I love the most and I do it to the 'things' I consider dearest too. That the closer I am to someone, the more fragile that line becomes. That my lack of wisdom and maturity can bring about so much diffifulty. It makes me want to run, it makes me want to leave that person well alone becuase I feel then there is no chance of me causing destruction to either them or indeed, myself.

But then I know that this is all a product of being a fallen human being. That this side of heaven I will cause destruction at the times I least want to. And that I shouldn't run despite my instinct to, becuase then I don't learn and I don't grow. And I know that grace is all I need. Grace is more than enough. And right now that's what I need more than anything. And it's what I need to display.

And I know that these things take time and, in time, that dull ache will fade away. For now, I hang onto grace and the belief that only God can heal in all the broken places.

"I feel the pain but it still doesn't change who You are
Nothing I feel is outside of the reach of your arms
My whole world could crumble but all of the pieces remain
In Your hands that are waiting to put them together again."

decisions decisions decisions.

I've prettty much made 3 of the biggest decisions in the last month that I've made in a long long time. I now feel quite tired, but liberated. Long over-due decisions. And I feel sad becuase it means letting go and saying goodbye. But it's also meant syaing hello to someone new and to the possibility of new things too. That's what happens in making those decisions I guess...

And when you don't quite know if you're making the right decisions until they're made and then the peace finally enters your soul, like a search light on a pitch black night. Bringing rest and hope of better days. Thought doubts nag away with all as you get used to new things and the consequences of those decisions don't create a clear path, or an easy one. Just a different one.

bouncey bouncey,.

Me to housemate Laurel: "You know what we should do? We should get this mattress and put it on the floor and just sit on it ALL day."

Honestly, the fun with the mattress last night was never ending. I havent laughed so hard in a long long time. I never realised bouncing on an upright mattress could be so much fun. Thing is, I want to share the expereince to pass on the fun, but if I even try and describe what we did with the matress last night it just wouldn't sound like fun. HOnestly it won't. But honestly, it was just too much fun.