my 2am email

Hey Podbo...
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I want to tell you my thoughts, like a journel, to tell you a story, my inner soul. What Ive been thinking about as I walked through the bitter chill of the 2 oclock air, with phat beats ringing through my ears and the familiar feeling of used muscles and a tired brain pulsating through my body....
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Tonight, Lee, Johnny and I got Caribeean food after kickboxing and ate it listening to the gig night at the Union that Loz had arranged. The music was awesome and the company was a lot of fun. We laughed about kickboxing, we people watched and chatted about missionaries...
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Tonight I felt ashamed. Lee's really perceptive and he was asking me a few things about my family in colombia and about where you and I met. He said: "Becci, I've noticed that when you talk about your Christianity you pause before you say anything. You hesitate. Like you're unsure or something."
Ouch. It's kind of because I want to express things in the right way, but I guess it looks like I'm a little ashamed. I'm really sorry for that. I have no reason to be. It's a powerful gospel and a good and gracious God I serve. Where is my confidence really?

Today has been an ego booster for me. With my photography tutor saying my photography was great, that I'd pulled off something really complicated really well, with Linda, my personal tutor writing such a shining reference and Lee, my kickboxing coach said tonight: 'Becci you really are a good kickboxer." I asked whether I would get the next belt up at grading after easter and he said "Oh easily, in fact you could get 2/3 above that (!!) He told me I could get black in 3 years (I was banking on 6!) So all in all, guess I feel pretty pleased with myself. I find that all quite hard becuase I never seem to sit right. Either my pride makes me feel good or it makes me feel utter crap. Either way I'm not shaped 100% by the gospel. That passag I read this morning about considering ourselves with sober judgement is poignant. Although at the same time I guess I can feel chuffed that my hard graft with photogrpahy and kickboxing is paying off. But all praise HAS to go to the one who made me with my creative giftings and ability to kick arse!! I can claim no good by myself, even my very breathe is possible only by the one who breathed life into me.

Love BBx