a 10 letter word

e·van·gel·ism
1. Zealous preaching and dissemination of the gospel, as through missionary work.
2. Militant zeal for a cause.

Dictionary definitions never quite express emotions. Recntly my mind has been obsessed with that one little word. Everywhere I turn it's been there. staring me in the face.

At times it's filled me with excitment as my housemates ask questions, discuss things, laugh at me, ask to read the Bible or say they'll come the church.

At other times it's filled me with internal 'I wish I wasn't' blushing as on friday when three of us from CU went about college conducting questionnaries with students about their religious beliefs in order to chat to them about Jesus.

Similalrly it's filled me with shame as in the last week I've sat in two sermons on that 10 letter word and I realise I'm not witnessing enough.

In a club on Friday the word filled me sorrow as God gave me fresh eyes to see what was going on around and the depth of need.

Tonight it fills me with frustration as I try to prepare a seminar I've been asked to do for students at a houseparty on the subject and feel un-qualified.

Last night it made me cry as I thought back over the week and the times I hadn't been different enough when I desperately want to shine.

And this morning it fuelled my prayers as I thought of my housemates, all our conversations, but how only the Holy Spirit can open their eyes.

Despite my obbsession, and at times stressful relationship with this word this week, nonetheless it has drawn me back to God for whom alone I obsess. And as one more of my scattered longings is drawn back to the source I'm reminded it's not about the word and all the connotations it's implied for me this week it's about Him. It's His work and He works despite all my failings! Roger Carswell at 'Only One Life' (a london wide student conference on Thursday) summed it up: 'There's no words wasted, there's no time wasted, there's no money wasted, there's no tears wasted when they're employed in the work of evanglism in the hands of almighty God.'

Praise God he can use bums like me.