depraved
Maybe it's just that I'm too tired from all that's been going on the last few weeks but somehow I feel I've come to a point of confusion. it's not that I'm having a crisis so please don't arrange emergency prayer meetings but right now I'm having trouble seeing certain things.
For example. I thought that as I grew i would become more christ like and yet i am more depraved now than i was before i was a christian. granted i was only 10-14 or something but still. and no, it's not about getting closer to God and seeing myself more as i am, compared with his holiness. it is just that i am depraved. My actions display it.
The conservative tradition of which I encounter, tell me that to get closer to God and more like him I should pray more, read more, be more obedient. be more basically. That when I do these things i will be living by the spirit.
The charasmatic tradition of which i encounter, tell me to just be in his presence, to gain a deeper more awareness of grace. That when I live by the spirit, obedience will flow.
And although I agree more readily with the later. Recently I discover that no matter what, I am still depraved.
And then this flows into envangelism. I've spent my 6th weekend on an evangliesm training weekend and come away believing where God is sending me and fired for reaching people. But as I see my depravity I look to the people I am supposed to be reaching. And sure, their morals aren't always what I'd agree with but they are far kinder, compassionate, gentle, patient, gracious than I am. Half of them are even more secure than me at times, and mos definetley than what I was a year ago. And then, those that teach us how to evangelise tell us that the 'people out there' (always depersonalised as 'non Christians') are searching for something. noone is satisfied. all their want is becuase they are missing Jesus. But as far as half my friends are concerned they're not dissatisfied, they don't feel like they're missing anything. They're happy And they aren't striving for much. other than occasionally sex. so what have I to offer them?
what is God and my faith to me these days? Recently, I've been told and come to believe that the kingdom of God is a 'now and not yet.' I look forward to heaven (so at least I can offer them that) but the 'now' bit gives me freedom now and security and changes me to be more like him. And yet I'm still depraved and my 'non-christian' friends are better than me. At least they don't try and cover up what they do. So what really do I have to offer? My faith seems like something i'm pursuing becuase i should. that somehow i believe it'll change me, it'll make a difference. and it does. it has. but it doesn't make me any better than my friends. I know i live for God becasue he commands it but he's not an evil dictator. And i still end up living like a 'non christian' and preaching a gospel that seems somewhat shabby around the edges. not becuase it is, but becuase I've made it so. becuase i am depraved
Somehow i feel like im missing the point. or the vital link right now. somehow i think this term has got to me more than i realised. maybe im just tired and need to sleep. or maybe i am just depraved.
(i say this with no intention to be blasphemous or make God smaller than he is)
posted by becci brown @ 5:13 pm
5 comments
5 Comments:
Hmmm.
(That's me pausing for thought.)
Good words.
thanks for comment brown cow. you're right. it is only God. But even though I know that, sometimes, flutering through my mind are those crazy doubts that question whether they need him. And yet whenever any type of discussion on God, christianity, or situation comes up where God could be bought in...im first to speak, to defend, to share. so somehow my doubts are overcome by that urge to just 'speak of the wonders i have seen and heard'.
Who are you brown cow and how did you come to grace my blog with your presence?
So, randomly stumbled into your blog from someone elses. dunno if you remember me, but nice to catch a glimpse of where you're at. know you're feeling on depravity... tough one..
dave
http://thebluefish.org.uk
I think i got to you via rich duncalfe who i've not met yet, and to there via phil & andy who i work with in Guildford... summat like that!
Paul said, "For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?" Rm 7:22-24
Paul was a Christ-like man and yet he still felt depraved. As we grow we become more aware of how bad we really are. Sinners think they are generally good, but when we first meet Jesus we see we are sinners. This grows. Perhaps we are like sunflowers; the more we see of the sun the closer to it we grow, but the distance between the two remains enormous. We too become more like Jesus, but we remain so sinful, so short of his glory.
Paul went on "Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Rm 7:24-25. Jesus Christ will deliver. This is another "now and not yet" experience. We are saved. He has delivered us from sin. Yet we are not completely free from its influence. That day has yet to come when we go to live with him.
As regards whether non-christians are looking for something, perhaps the question should be turned around. Instead, can it be said that non-christians are content?
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